Always and Forever

I remember Ms. Galang

2011-04-21T01:45:00.004+08:00

I remember Ms. Galang. She was my piano teacher. But really, she was so much more than that.

I remember the very first time I saw Ms. Galang. I was still a kid, not more than 7 years old, and I remember thinking as I saw her scrawney bony fingers, her dated single old spinster clothes and the delicate wrinkles lining softly around her doe shaped eyes and her neck, "What an ancient woman". Ms Galang was your old school piano teacher, one of those who taught kids to read the notes in the old fashioned way (do re mi fa etc.) and not with alphabetical letters (a b c... i don't know why i'm putting this in, all of you know what 'alphabetical letters' mean anyway). She taught us with a stern stick in one hand and a gentle one occasionally patting our backs if we made mistakes. She was an avid collector of dolls, too. She has dolls from every country in the world. And I mean EVERY country. Mention a country and she'll tell you what kind of dolls they have there and the story on how she got them. Her office - heck, the whole of the music department where she was the director - was filled with creepy sometimes freaky and sometimes breathtakingly amazing looking dolls in glass boxes.

I use to fear her when I was a kid. I remember dreading Saturday afternoons because I know it would mean one whole hour at her mercy. I actually had reasons to be scared of her. You see, I wasn't particularly the best student or a good one at the least. I hated playing the piano. I mean what kind of a kid would rather want to sit down in a stuffy room sweating their ass off in sticky leather chairs facing black and white keys when you can play outside! under the sun! with kids at your own age! and doing way cooler stuffs like make-believe war skirmishes and sword battles. So I went to every class with her then unprepared. To pass the time away and to distract her from the fact that I sucked BIG time, I would try to engage her in pointless conversations usually about the stuffs that happened in her life.

I asked all sorts of things! I asked her about her family, about her experiences during the world war 2 era, on how it felt like to be one of the first students in UP, I even asked about her past boyfriends (when I still had really no idea what the heck it was anyway) and the various reasons why she decided to collect dolls, of all things. And when I learned that she was a part time french teacher too, on days when I absolutely had no idea what to play because I absolutely forgot I had piano classes in the first place, I would ask her to translate every word I can think of into French, and instead of being scolded for not doing my last week's homework, we would end up having a mini-class.

I started practicing when my mom told me that if I did good in Ms Galang's class, she would reward me with the doll I've been gawking at in her office since day 1. (A Cleopatra doll with a gorgeous Ankh necklace around her and a note of 'hello' from the Egyptian President himself!). This was of course an unfortunate lie from my mom but by this time me and Ms Galang, what with all my interviews, have become sort of close. We were so close indeed that I already felt guilty trying to trick her with my conversations. So instead, I did the complete opposite. I practiced really hard so that she wouldn't have to teach me so much in piano and would rather talk to me about her life instead.

I treasured every conversations with her. I especially loved the part when she would retell he stories about the war and how they survived the Japanese occupation. And also the time in her life when she was a glamorous concert piano artist who would travel all over the world playing romantic pieces to heads of state and rich classical music aficionados. She would tell me about the great loves of her life in every country and would let me read their fiery passionate love letters for her. It was great. And in no time, Ms Galang the piano teacher had become Ms Galang my best friend. I looked up to her and wondered if ever I'd be a spinster, I'd be exactly like her. Young at heart but with the wisdom and experiences of the world that only time could ever provide. She was my hero and I was her biggest fan for 11 years. Well, I guess even until now. Our friendship was so deep that when I started college, she still asked me to come home every weekend so that we could have our little piano lessons (for free) and our lengthy conversations. I treasured every single second I spent with her.

I don't really know why I'm talking about her so suddenly. I guess I just miss her. We haven't talked to each other for quite some time now. I stopped piano lessons 5 years ago. And I haven't even touched our piano for several months now. I wonder if she still thinks about our hourly conversations then. I wonder if she still talks about her world war stories to someone else... and who. I wonder if she has given her Cleopatra doll to some kid already.

I don't really want to know the answers to those. It doesn't matter. The only thing I want is for her to be happy and be alright. You see, Ms Galang was my piano teacher. But both us know, she was so so much more than that.

PS: one of the most memorable conversations we had was her love for the movie Somewhere in Time and her love for Christopher Reeves. I'd like to share the song she taught me.

*image taken from http://medekis.deviantart.com

When a Chapter Ends

2011-04-04T00:43:00.003+08:00

It’s been more than two months since my father died. I’d be lying if I say I didn’t see it coming. I’d be lying if I say I haven’t forced myself in the shower every morning to think of the moment when I see him breathing his last breath or when somebody breaks to me the news that he has finally passed so I can be prepared. I would be lying that every moment I thought about him a few days before he died was spent tearless. And now that he’s gone, I would be lying if I didn’t say the news took me by surprise, that when I heard it my heart didn’t stop, that for how many days I grieved and let go because I didn’t. For how many days until now, all I felt was emptiness and disbelief.

My papa is dead. My papa. My papa who took care of me all my life, who carried me lovingly when I was still a kid, who gave me piggy back rides, who took me to school and fetch me when classes would end for how many years, my papa who loved me more than any man could ever love me. My papa who went back for me when I had no one, who never permitted me to go anywhere far away from home, so I wouldn’t be alone. My papa. My papa is gone.

I thought a month would be more than enough to end the pain and start moving on. What an astoundingly silly thought. A month is not even enough to let the truth sink in much more get on with your life as if everything hasn’t changed. Everything has fucking changed and I’m angry. I’m angry that I can’t do anything about it. That I can’t treat it like a painful break up. That I can’t … I can’t see my papa any more. I’m angry.

Fuck you cancer.

Fuck you doctor for not saving my papa.

FUCK YOU BAM FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FUCKING DO FUCKING ANYTHING.

FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT.

I know it’s no one’s fault. I don’t really blame anyone. I just can’t believe it happened and I just can’t imagine the future. I honestly can’t. I haven’t planned for it, I don’t want to plan it. I just can’t get the picture of him in a box, lifeless, cold… not laughing, hugging like he is supposed to. He wasn’t old enough. He still had dreams. He told us he was going to live for us. And He was a good man. He wasn’t supposed to die! I can’t fucking wrap my brain around it. Somebody fucking tell me why.

This is useless. I know I must face the reality. He is gone now. I’d like to think he is in a better place. I just really wished I could have held him for the last time and tell him how much I love him. Papa, where ever you are, I want you to know that everything I did, every step I took, every hardships I underwent, I did it all thinking of you. Papa, you know how I wanted so much to teach little kids right? But I took up accounting and I’m going to take up law. This… this is all for you. I would give up a thousand of my personal dreams over and over again, if only it would be able to bring you back to life. Papa, I know you’re gone. But papa, I’m scared. You were my hero. Who will save me now?

They say somebody’s life is just like a book. That sometime, the story will end. I know my papa’s book ended. But like many of my favorite books, I try to keep hanging on to the last chapters trying so hard not to read the last lines. I know this is wrong. But I can’t seem to move on. Or know how to.

When a chapter ends, another one begins right?

Then why do I feel mine has stopped?

Mid Life Crisis?

2010-10-21T23:04:00.004+08:00

I remember a time back in college when I was so discontented of the way my life would turn out to be if I wouldn't be brave enough to follow what I wanted in life. I wrote about it so furiously in my journal, cursing how I wanted to be something else, something more than just an accountant stuck in her measly pathetic cubicle punching buttons on her measly black calculator and facing strings after strings of digital numbers on her boring black ThinkPad.

Fast forward to date and funnily (or not so funnily), I'm finding myself in the same miserable position I feared myself to be in.

I had become an accountant. A legit one, with a title and all.

I work in a cold small room an average of 15 hours a day, facing numbers after numbers of some strange problematic client.

And I have a calculator and a T410 ThinkPad. Both colored black.

It's so depressing that it's actually funny.

I have always looked at myself as some body who belongs out there. Somebody who would matter in the world. I believed that even if I was just a faceless being in this big big world, that in my own way, I could change lives... and not just change it like a dentist would change your teeth (not that I think dentists are useless, dentists are cool. cooler than what I do at least) , I mean REALLY change it in a huge significant way. Change somebody's way of thinking or way of life perhaps. Something that important, you know.

I wonder why I let myself be who I am now... why?

I am 23 years old. Is it too soon to have a mid-life crisis already?

But then again, maybe it's just me right? I guess everybody thinks they could be somebody who could matter in the world at some point in their life. And maybe all I really need to do, like anybody else (who have a normal 8 to 5 job) in the world, is to just find some ways to make my life more meaningful. While still being this.... right??

Ugh, just thinking about it make me want to puke. UGH.

I'm sorry if I keep on whining. I know, I should just shut my trap and actually DO something about it. The problem is... I'm a real hypocrite and a chickenshit all in one.

I know I do not want to spend my best years in life slaving away in some job I have absolutely no passion for. But even if I do have the guts to quit, I don't really know what I would do next... I have a lot of things I like more than accounting. But I'm not completely sure if I'd be really good at them to the point that I can actually live off comfortably from doing whatever that is.

For example, I like singing and composing songs. But who am I kidding right? My song compositions are only good for my hearing pleasures and the occasional forced amateur song composition contests. I know I'm not THAT good as to be a serious pro. Even I think it's a preposterous idea. Being a singer song writer.

I like teaching too. Teaching history to be exact. Teaching history to little kids to be dead-on exact. But it would mean studying again and I don't think I have the resources to go through that. If I have an extra million or two, that would probably a swell idea, but no, I don't have one so... that's not happening I guess.

Lastly, I love to write. It would be a dream come true to just wake up everyday and know that all I needed to do was write whatever it is on my mind. Make volumes after volumes of stories that had been lingering in my head for quite some time now. But you guys and I know I'm not that good. I don't have a vast vocabulary and my command in the English language or even my own spoken tongue is as articulate as the guy next beside me in a bus. Maybe I could be better. But that's the problem. MAYBE I could... maybe not.

And while I would love to rant more about this particular discontentment in my life, I know that if I was a reader of this blog, I would be screaming a crisp "shut-the-fuck-up-whining-bitch' by now so I should probably stop. Plus, work is waiting early tomorrow and I wouldn't want to be late. again.

I just wish I knew what I'm really good at. Maybe then I wouldn't be so whiny and would actually be blissfully happy. Who knows, maybe then I could change a life or two.

The Comeback

2010-08-22T23:43:00.002+08:00

I am back.

I know no one missed me. I know that most of the comments I got from my last post are lame advert stuffs probably being automatically sent by some brainless bot of some kind. But still, I'm strangely happy to be blogging again.

Why do us long term (unpopular) bloggers feel that way anyway? I mean, I can't speak for everyone, but for me... It's like I always have this constant urge to write. Even when I was in my own 'indefinite hiatus' for a while, I always had this gnawing urgency to open my account, go to my dashboard, click to that sweet little 'new post' sign and just type the hell away.

I guess I like the thought that this small insignificant dot of a place in the internet is something I can call my own. And that all the thoughts inside it are mine and mine alone. It's somewhere I can be who I really am inside, no need to pretend, no need to put up some fake facade...It's just simply... me... and my complicated mind. haha.

I guess all I really want to say is "I'm Back!!!"

and goodmorning! =)

12:35 AM

2009-02-08T00:35:00.002+08:00

I know I have nothing to be sad about. I have a wonderful family, a great set of friends and the love of my life. I have more than enough for my daily needs and I live in a beautiful and peaceful place. There's really nothing to be sad about.

I don'y know why I still am though.

I don't know what it is. But something is missing. I still feel like I'm living a pointless life. I still have those moments when I think that everything around me is so... fake. I still have days when everything looks so gray and all I wanna do is just close my eyes to shut myself away from this dull world. I still feel so lost. I want to curl up in one corner, take a step back and look at my life passing by aimlessly going to nowhere. I still feel so weak.

And I still feel so sad.

I want to be happy.

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-06T14:26:00.002+08:00

I always end my 'lazy-era' by making herculean tasks I can't do. And it always does the trick (even though almost always none of them gets done by the end of the year. *snicker*)

So... Lo and Behold! To mark my alive-again status in the blog world (as if anybody knew I was dead for a while and before that, alive and further before that, was dead... gyah...), I now give you me NEW YEAR's resolution you for the year 2009! weetiwew!

Bambam's 2009 New Year Resolution:

1. Save Money!!!

World economy went six feet under during 2008 and although, governments from all over the world are encouraging people to increase spending to keep the markets afloat, I'm saying 'No thank you' to all of that. I simply won't have enough money by the end of the year if I will have that kind of attitude. So this 2009, people, expect a thrifty Bambam!!! Yes, that includes you, Bambam! Be thrift be thrifty... please!!!

2. Be a Knowledge Vacuum

I have my internet for almost a year now but just realized that I was wasting it all away on streaming videos that don't really add more to myself. Ok, I enjoyed some movies here and there but come on... there's a plethora of knowledge out there that I have complete access to but didn't even explore!!! That's gonna change now. From now on, I would be a knowledge vacuum, learning random things as much as I can. I won't be enjoying 24/7 internet access for a majority of this year anyway, so I gotta make use of it this time around! Can wikipedia be a homepage??

3. Slim Down, Really slim down

This has been a resolution ever since I was in high school I think. But I'm not taking this off unless I can achieve this. And I can feel it, 2009 will be the year that this goal will come true! iu can feel it. I MUST FEEL IT!!!! I'm just actually sick and tired of not being able to move accordingly because of my excess baggages. It's sickening. I. want. to. be. fit. NOW NA.

4. Be LESS Lazy

This will be the hardest one. And it's probably the trait I need the most this year. What with my board exams coming this year, I just can not afford to slack off any longer. Enough is enough! I must stop bumming around. I wish I had an ass-kicker employed just to soley kick my ass whenever I'm showing laziness syndrome anytime of the day. But I can't afford one so I'll stick to good ol self-motivation. *sigh*

Those my friends, are my top 4 new year's resolution. My actual list actually goes up to 47 but those three sums em all up nicely. Hihi. Good luck to me!

Happy New Year Everyone!!!! It's good to be back! (^_______^)

*photo taken from devaintart

I Cry in Commercials

2008-10-12T09:45:00.003+08:00

Yes. I am supposed to do my Finance Paper right now (and I really need to because I'm effing failing the subject and this is the only thing left that's probably going to save me.)

Yes. I really need to do my Finance Paper because tomorrow's the deadline and I haven't written a single word and I'm suppose to pass 15 - 20 pages of analyzing crap I don't even have the slightest idea of right now.

Yes. I REALLY AM going to make my paper now...

BUT BEFORE THAT. I want to share with you guys some commercials that made me bawl like the big baby that I am.

Commercial #1: Thai Life Insurance "Daddy"

This commercial will make you cry, so much that you would SOO want to buy Thai Insurance even though, well, you're not from Thailand and all. Or at least that's what the makers want a whole lot of people to think.

Commercial #2: Cancer Commercial (girl with brother)

This commercial will probably just generate mere 'AWWWW's from a lot of people but it made me cry till I almost had an asthma attack. What can I say, I'm a sucker for siblings-doing-good-stuffs-for-eachother thingies. And good deeds make me cry more than sad events. I don't really know why...

Commercial #3: 9/11 Budweiser Tribute

And the commercial that made me cry the most doesn't even have a single human in it. Oh and it's from a beer company. It's amazing how those Budweiser Clydsedale horses can do to my animal-loving heart. hehe. But yeah, nothing really fancy in here...and that's probably what got me. The sheer simplicity of the act...*sniff*

So, there you go, nothing but a good cry to start the day! I'm off to my paper now! (^_^)

I timtam slammed too!!!

2008-09-16T09:10:00.004+08:00

So I was bumming around when I should have been studying my ass off and came across Manang Ta's Timtam Slam entry. Of course, I got intrigued and set myself off on a brief TimTam Slam research. After watching several youtube videos on the matter, I knew I just HAD to try to do one too.

And so I did!

This is how you do it:

1. Get your own timtam!

2. Bite off the opposite ends of your timtam.

3. Dip one end of your timtam into your preferred HOT beverage (ours was Coffee), and suck in using the biscuit as a straw.

4. When the beverage reaches your mouth, quickly swallow the whole timtam and ENJOY!!!

The chocolate biscuit is supposed to have this explosion effect on your mouth but in our case, well, I dunno... that didn't exactly happen. It could have been the wrong choice of timtam (I think we got a wafer one when we're supposed to get the original. Ijit! Ijit!) or maybe the timtam we got was close to its expiration date (Hopefully not...). Nevertheless, TimTam Slamin' is still worth a try!!! Ima buy myself the original one and try it again later!!! Weee!!!! ^_^

Here's my Timtam Slam Moment:

Mamit!!!!

One Month Ago

2008-08-26T22:56:00.006+08:00

A lot could happen in a month. You could turn into a hero, make your first million or even wipe out an entire race (and go to hell, you evil person) for such a short length of time. In 30 days, anything could happen to you. And that anything could either make or break you. Or change your life forever. Your choice on what your reaction would be, actually. The point is ANYTHING, yes even the impossible or what people may deem as utterly impossible, could happen to anybody in this whole wide world!

In my case, I fell in love.

(Beware. The following paragraphs may contain extreme corniness. If you're not in to such things, then please save yourself and DO NOT continue on reading. If you gag or puke before finishing this entry, I've got one thing to say to you, baby: Don't say I didn't warn you!!!)

Yep, you heard me right. I fell in love.

The funny thing is, I've always thought that such a phenomenon (hah!) could never happen to someone like me. I've always had this very vivid idea of what falling in love SHOULD be and have long concluded that in this time, in this world, that love-thingy-with-a-guy that most people have would probably never fit my character. I've always looked at my life as a book and have long resigned myself to that supporting character to the 'major characters' dominating my entire existence. In layman's term, I saw myself as 'the bestfriend of *NAME*', the girl everyone turns to to air out all their trials and tribulations in life and in love - always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Plus, I have very unrealistic ideals on love and have set out (impossible) specific premises on how everything should happen. Here's a glimpse:
*first kiss should be under the rain
*first date should be under a big tree on top of a hill in the middle of a grassy meadow
*the guy must have BOTH alpha and beta male characteristics (eg. is a math whiz black-belter with a knack for classical piano music)

In short, I am too idealistic. It's funny though that all my life I've set up this grand love story of mine, planning them minute by minute in exquisite details, convincing myself that this is what should and MUST happen or if not then maybe *close* to it but in the end...none of those 'special'
circumstances or 'perfect' love premises actually really matters. In the end, you realize that you don't need all those fancy stuff to make that love magic happen.

When you fall in love, everything just comes into place. So what if your first conversation was made when you both were drunk? So what if everything goes wrong on your first date? So what if the guy is the complete opposite of your dream guy? Or if you both have absolutely nothing in common? Or if your first kiss was a stolen one in dark musky movie house with your mouth full of popcorn? Or if there really was no formal 'courting' period and you both aren't really sure exactly when you guys got hitched? When you fall in love, all those superficial things doesn't really matter anymore... magic simply just happens.

I used to be scared of falling in love because of many things (see my previous entry The Waiting Room) but now that I'm in this state, I don't really care much of those anymore. I'm not scared of getting hurt because of infidelity or even for the very real reason that he will leave in a month and our individual paths in life are just sooo far off we ourselves don't know how we could make those two meet. I honestly didn't give much thought about all those stuffs in the future. When you love somebody, you just know that no matter how hard things will turn out, it will just work out someday somehow for you both. Then you realize that all you really got to do is cherish every second you have with that person and live each day as though it was going to be your last together.

I may be eating my words in the near future but right here right now, everything just feels so...right. Who knew that in 30 days, one person could feel such happiness and contentment as what I'm feeling right now?

If that could happen in a month, just imagine all the great things in store for us for the rest of our lives.

HOW UBER COOL IS THAT, HUH????

Reality Bits:

July 26, 2008 (first conversation)

B (drunk): ?
P (drunk): Hello!

the rest is history....

EG Update!!!

2008-08-21T02:12:00.002+08:00

Ok so I was checking out my mail when I stumbled upon this...

That's my brother (the one singing first) and his band mate Chris (the one with the geetar). Wala lang. hehe. As usual, I just miss that kid to bits. *sigh*

One Month Question

2008-08-06T22:02:00.003+08:00

Here's a question for everybody. HYPOTHETICALLY, you meet somebody you REALLY like and who REALLY likes you back, then you find out that that person is leaving the country in a month...what would you do?

a.) flirt nonstop and when the person is gone, try to forget about him/her and just feel so damn blessed that at least you had one month of bliss and none of that complicated relationship and commitment ek-ek to deal with!

b.) distance yourself away from the person slowly. It's better to be safe than sorry!!!

c.) spend as much time as you can with the person and not take everything so seriously. if something does happen, then you'll deal with it accordingly in its own time. then if not, it will hurt but at least you had one great month pass you by!

d.) make the person fall in love -no- fall DEEPLY in love with you, and hook up with him/her before he/she leaves and then continue a long distance relationship.

so guys? what would you pick? hahaha. ANSWER PLEASE!!!

I'm a Dreamy Idealist!

2008-07-29T23:05:00.006+08:00

Hmm... why am I not surprised? Haha... I took this test from Jhaynee's Blog and I gotta tell you, this is EXACTLY who I am. It's scary. Haha. (Click that circle thingy to take the quiz!)

Dreamy Idealist (DI)

Dreamy Idealists are very cautious and therefore often appear shy and reserved to others. They share their rich emotional life and their passionate convictions with very few people. But one would be very much mistaken to judge them to be cool and reserved. They have a pronounced inner system of values and clear, honourable principles for which they are willing to sacrifice a great deal. Joan of Arc or Sir Galahad would have been good examples of this personality type. Dreamy Idealists are always at great pains to improve the world. They can be very considerate towards others and do a lot to support them and stand up for them. They are interested in their fellow beings, attentive and generous towards them. Once their enthusiasm for an issue or person is aroused, they can become tireless fighters.

For Dreamy Idealists, practical things are not really so important. They only busy themselves with mundane everyday demands when absolutely necessary. They tend to live according to the motto “the genius controls the chaos” - which is normally the case so that they often have a very successful academic career. They are less interested in details; they prefer to look at something as a whole. This means that they still have a good overview even when things start to become hectic. However, as a result, it can occasionally happen that Dreamy Idealists overlook something important. As they are very peace-loving, they tend not to openly show their dissatisfaction or annoyance but to bottle it up. Assertiveness is not one of their strong points; they hate conflicts and competition. Dreamy Idealists prefer to motivate others with their amicable and enthusiastic nature. Whoever has them as superior will never have to complain about not being given enough praise.

As at work, Dreamy Idealists are helpful and loyal friends and partners, persons of integrity. Obligations are absolutely sacred to them. The feelings of others are important to them and they love making other people happy. They are satisfied with just a small circle of friends; their need for social contact is not very marked as they also need a lot of time to themselves. Superfluous small talk is not their thing. If one wishes to be friends with them or have a relationship with them, one would have to share their world of thought and be willing to participate in profound discussions. If you manage that you will be rewarded with an exceptionally intensive, rich partnership. Due to their high demands on themselves and others, this personality type tends however to sometimes overload the relationship with romantic and idealistic ideas to such an extent that the partner feels overtaxed or inferior. Dreamy Idealists do not fall in love head over heels but when they do fall in love they want this to be a great, eternal love.

Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, theoretical, emotional, spontaneous, idealistic, dreamy, effusive, pleasant, reserved, friendly, passionate, loyal, perfectionist, helpful, creative, composed, curious, obstinate, with integrity, willing to make sacrifices, romantic, cautious, shy, peace-loving, vulnerable, sensitive, communicative, imaginative

These subjects could interest you

literature, philosophy, psychology, music, art (museums), writing, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual things, meditation, handicrafts, writing, voluntary work

The Waiting Room

2008-07-25T08:11:00.009+08:00

Liz and I have joked on this several times now: About us two being the last ones in the 'waiting room' waiting for the love of our lives to come and get us when the right time comes. You see, we're the only ones left in our barkada who doesn't have any special someone yet. Mika has Juno, Joy has Francis, and Kat has Johann (and their baby!). It isn't really much of a bother then... until now.

I know I know, it's probably not wise to have any additional emotional baggage with all the responsibilities I have in my life right now. I mean, I can barely manage my time. I don't even have a lot of 'me time' now let alone have time for someone else. Yet, I still have those lingering (and immensely annoying) thoughts of "What Ifs".

And there's a lot of them, actually.

1.) What if I had somebody I love and that person actually loving me back? Would that make my life a tad less miserable than it is now?

2.) What if I had somebody with me who wholly understands me for who I am and is willing to stick it up with me even through my bitchy days? (Oh yes, I have those days too. All girls have an inner bitch in them.) Will that make my life easier?

3.) What if I stopped thinking so much about what would happen next emotionally and just focus on what I'm feeling right now? Would that have made me braver to make a decision to just 'go for it' in a *possible* relationship?

4.) What if my boobs were smaller? Would guys like me more? (OK, I admit. I just want smaller breasts. This has nothing to do with my love life.)

5.) What if my parents weren't so conservative? Would that have helped me put in mind that having a boyfriend is 'OK'?

6.) What if I weren't so disgusted with the thought of me having a BF? (Ahhh... I gag at the word)

7.) What if I weren't such a chicken-shit on love? Would I have one now? (the love ha, not the chicken shit. -_-' )

In the end though, one 'what if' always win over all 'what ifs' I have: What if there really is that ONE special somebody for me?

Would I go from one relationship to another just to find that special somebody?

My answer of course is NO. (those who know me well will understand the following sentences. haha.) I do not want to find myself in a situation where I am blissfully in love with somebody else yet knowing that the love of my life has only me and so I end up denying that love for him. I do not want to find myself in a situation where the 'right one' comes and I'm already taken, because honestly I don't think I would have the guts to tell him 'sorry, I can't be with you anymore. I have *name of another person* now.' (ah Bam, you sinful woman)

Maybe it's just irresponsibility or immaturity. Whatever it is though, right now, I'm still sticking to that belief.

And I guess that's why I'm still in the waiting room.

*Photo taken from Deviantart.com

--------------
WAIT!!!!!!!!

I know na. I need a FLING! Oh yeah! Mga nakakilala sa akon! Bugawa nyo na ko! Now na! =P

The Day Dreamer

2008-07-18T14:40:00.005+08:00

I wish I was a professional dreamer.

Yeah. A person whose job is to consciously dream. Does that even exist? You kinda hear all those new dope jobs springing up everywhere in the world now and just in case being a professional dreamer is one of those that have sprung up, well then...I just HAVE to say that could be the DOPEst job ever. If I found out my next life would be having that job. I'd gladly commit suicide in a second.

But of course I have no way of knowing what I would be next time around. Not yet.

I love daydreaming. That's probably my worst vice ever (after that, is extreme gluttony of course). Escaping reality whenever I want to. A lot of people have scolded me for doing so. And it has gotten me in some memorable troubles in my life, too. People would keep on telling me that dreaming pointlessly is just a pathetic form of escape and won't get you anywhere unless you take up that dream and make it into a reality.

I listen to them but at the back of my head I'm saying, "Fuck off. You don't need to make every thing in my life be so goddamn serious."

Daydreaming is amazing. It's the greatest ability any human in the world has. In 10 minutes, you can live out a parallel life, a destiny probably so far off it's only possible in your imagination. And that's what I love about daydreaming. Everything is possible. You could be anything you want. The choices are limitless. Isn't that just fucking great?

I've daydreamed about countless of things of course. For my 21 years, I have been a bird, a martian, an egyptian priestess, a rock, a kick ass novelist kicking the ass of that-novelist-who-created-gay-harry-potter (for the record, I do read harry potter THEN), a pilot, an archeologist with an IQ of 400, a mathematician, a fish who can sing, a fish who can dance, a boy, a girl with small breasts, the mysterious lover of Beethoven, an anime, a flower. And so much more. I have been all those and knowing I still wake up every morning fills me with with great pleasure because I know that in every hour, a new life awaits me. In my own thoughts.

Now wouldn't it be great to do that all your life?

*photo taken form deviantart.com

Stressed and Slacking

2008-07-11T09:17:00.003+08:00

I don't know if those two words are even supposed to be together. But yeah. The more I'm stressed the more I slack off. The more things I have to do, the less enthusiasm I have to do them. And in the end, things gets just piling up and piling up... until I end up multitasking just to finish everything half-baked.

It's a very bad habit.

I just want to get rid of it.

Maybe I need a new fancy planner like my fellow SC officers got. 3 of them got this pricey and fun student planner (the year starts at JUNE!) from MANELS and ever since they did, they've been very organized. Hmm... I need to be that. Organized I mean. But at the same time, I don't want to spend one-yummy-meal's worth of moolah to some planner.

I don't know. Maybe I will?

Nah, too expensive.

Blah. I'm actually so stressed just thinking of what I'm supposed to do right now.

All I want to do now is slack off.

Hah.

MY LITTLE BROTHER HAS A BAND

2008-06-27T20:23:00.005+08:00

It's called SAY HELLO. And I didn't believe it at first until I saw this:

That's their "band"'s MySpace Banner (click it and you will be redirected to their band's myspace page). And check this out:

Kamusta man na ang rocker ko na manghod with that hideous EMO hair. lol.

Seriously though, I can hardly recognize him. My brain image still has the sight of an obese child in his briefs with nasty skin disease ravaging his hita and carrying his ridiculously smelly favorite pillow. Hmm... I really need to update that brain image.

Anyhoo, their band is just starting up. He writes the songs together with a friend daw and get this, HE PLAYS GUITAR... I mean, I didn't even think he knew how to HOLD a guitar let alone play it. Ahhh.. I really have missed a lot. tsk tsk.

In short, I'm proud of you bro. *sloppy kiss*

Calamities et al

2008-06-24T22:52:00.006+08:00

Imagine being trapped inside of THAT.

For those of you who do not know THAT, THAT my friends is the MV Princess of the Stars. Or what's left of it, anyway. Quick facts: It's a 23,000-ton ferry, supposedly the biggest ship of Sulpicio Lines. It carried 849 passengers, sailed from Manila bound for Cebu and sank on Saturday off the coast of Sibuyan Island in Romblon. As of today, a total of 57 survivors were rescued. The rest are either 1.) lost, 2.) trapped inside, 3.) drowned, 4.) all of the above. God bless the souls of those who died.

That's one of the many more shittiness Typhoon Frank (I swear I would never think of the name 'Frank' the same way again) left us. I wouldn't dwell more on the misfortunes PAKING FRANK gave us Filipinos or the whodunit on similar misfortunes that happened while PAKING FRANK paraded on our islands but this calamity-filled weekend made me think/reflect on a lot of things.

My Typhoon Frank Thoughts/Reflections:

1. Is it me or are calamities all over the world really getting more frequent as the years go by? And if it isn't just my paranoia kicking in, shouldn't we all be alarmed? Remember that huge Asian tsunami that happened years ago? It seemed like after that wrath, nature never stopped on churning calamity after calamity. I guess this is one of mother earth's way of telling us 'Fucktard, there's something wrong with the way you're effing handling me. Die bitches die.' Or something like that. Seriously, isn't it time for us to reflect on why these horrible things keep on happening these days and what we can do about it?

2. You will only get to see the "real" colors of people in times of disaster. When a person is stripped off of everything that he has, that's the time you get to see whether someone has that human soul we supposedly all have or is really just an animal at core. And while this is such a strong statement (hence, I won't elaborate on it further), when disaster strikes you'll get to see that this is the oh so cruel truth: a lot of us tend to be more animal than human. Pramis.

3. There are really evil and uncaring people in this world. Ok, I admit. I'm the kind of person who thinks everyone is really good deep inside. And oh was I so wrong. During hard times, we Filipinos are known to extend our help as much as we can...even to the point of sacrificing our own comforts just to help... I know that as an absolute fact. So imagine my shock to know that some people manage to take advantage of dire situations such as these for their own fucking benefit. (Special mention: politicians) That, for me, is downright VILE.

4. Although we live in a cruel and sometimes evil world, there is still some GOOD left in this life and a lot of people think whatever that good is, it's worth fighting for. And they'd fight for it (their life) even if it's nature they have to face with. The stories of survival of these affected people are just amazing. And most of these people don't even have a lot of material things in life yet they still know how precious life can be and in the end, what really matters is preserving that life and the lives of those you love. Now doesn't that just make you go 'awwww' big time? AWWWWW. You'd be surprise how many people would fight for the lives of others too. True, there really is a lot of evil in this world but the great thing is... there's more good in it.

5. Life moves on. No matter how many times people get pummeled by calamities here and there, in the end...Life moves on. And I find that extremely astounding. Yes, the typhoon made me realize how easily we can lose a lot of things (even our life) but it also showed me that as long as we're alive, there's still hope of regaining everything we have lost. And so we continue on living. Hoping for the better.

Frank is probably the worst thing that had happened to Iloilo and a lot of other places. But it may just be what the people (as a whole) needed. Now don't go on throwing tomatoes at me for saying this but maybe it's God's way of telling us to start from scratch and build a better life instead. Who knows, right?

~0~

Oh and if you're a UPV-CM Alumni or a concerned citizen, you can donate stuffs through our student council. May it be food, clothing or money. Take your pick. Just contact me. Hehe. e-add is: eba_desabelle@yahoo.com.

Last pahabol! I finally started my blog novel. It's here! Do come check it out. Hihi.

*photo taken from Reuters.

The Piano

2008-06-20T22:45:00.003+08:00

I secretly called our piano, Mr. Bebe.

I remember how I hated playing on the cursed thing. My mother used to make us take piano lessons and I'd do every horrible thing I could think of on the hopes that my teacher would eventually give up on me. (I tried pissing on her foamy piano seat and when that didn't blew her off, I wanted so bad to piss on her face instead but couldn't for lack or projectile-pissing glands) My teacher never gave up on me and I knew I'd play Mr. Bebe for all of my childhood days.

I'd play with Mr. Bebe for hours. Daily. Even during weekends. Especially during weekends. I probably played with him more than I did with my human best friend. I actually didn't have a choice. I'd love to watch TV or read a book instead but: 1.) We only had one TV then and my oh so loving brothers would hog it all day watching NBA or other lame sports stuff and when I made the smallest effort of 'borrowing' the remote control, I always end up with a bloody nose, and 2.) I have read all the books at home, except for the dictionary and reading that is just plain SAD. So I always ended up with Mr. Bebe.

It was probably during 4th year high school that I began to actually *like* playing Mr. Bebe. This was one of the loneliest year of my life and Mr. Bebe was the only one who was consistently there by my side. I poured all my emotions to him. I play him when I'm happy, sad, depressed, suicidal, horny (woot), or just plain empty. The once cold ivory keys I loathed suddenly felt so warm and welcoming. Like a nice bowl of soup on a rainy day. Gradually, I came to love Mr. Bebe.

I'm sorry Pa, but it wasn't you that made me go home every weekend during first year college. I crossed seas a thousand times and conquered my sea sickness because of Mr. Bebe. I felt lonely not having to play with him. This may sound a bit bizarre, but I had a feeling Mr. Bebe was feeling the same way too. And so I always came back, and with a handful of songs in my head, would play Mr. Bebe till the wee hours with nothing but that warm fuzzy feeling between me and him.

~0~

It's been almost 2 years now since I last played a complete song with Mr. Bebe. Since we've moved, there weren't much chances to actually stay with Mr. Bebe even for just a couple of minutes. The most I could do was open him and push a key or two and that's that. It's so sad. But I know Mr. Bebe feels worse, being abandoned in an old deserted house...being deprived of cleaning for years...not having anyone to play wonderful music ever again. I wish I could be with Mr. Bebe again.

I miss you, Mr. Bebe.

Monster Names

2008-06-17T07:39:00.004+08:00

I was at the middle of literally cracking my head for more ideas on our council's PROJECT 100 proposal and then decided to slack off for a bit. (Ah bam, you never change) So I blog-hopped and came across my friend mika's post on some sexy names.

And kay hisaon ko, te nag-kwa man ko sang akon ya eh. Hahaha. I found my monster names cuter though. Hehe. Here they are!

Get Your Monster Name

I dunno why I laughed so hard with these. I must be turning really lame now. (T_T)

Now back to the proposals!

June

2008-05-31T19:20:00.001+08:00

And so it starts.

I'm not sure if it's dread, anxiety, joy, excitement or nervousness that I'm feeling (or a mixture of everything of those perhaps?) whenever I think of this month but whatever that is, it sure knows how to make me barf nasty and crap myself all at the same time. Yes it is THAT intense.

What's in June, you say? Well...everything. It's the start of all the things that would probably occupy my little existence for the whole academic year. I never imagined my last year in college life to be this way. I remember longing for a year of intense review, partying and musical development. Or the only time in my academic life that would center my world to someone I haven't paid much attention to for quite a long time now - MYSELF. But I guess that guy up there had other plans. And now I'm here.

Here is a delicate place where any wrong moves from me would result in total destruction of everything around me. Well, ok, something like that. It's a crucial place, very crucial to the point that at times I pray that this is all a weird heavy dream and I would wake up in the familiar grey space I have long been stuck to. I hated the grey place but at least it was familiar. This place though...it's completely alien. And I am completely, absolutely, totally, from the very depths of my soul and the very core of my bones, utterly...scared.

It wouldn't be as bad as I make it sound like now if I didn't feel alone but at this exact moment, I feel like I'm the only person left in the world. Marooned right before something terrible happens. There are others but I do not feel them yet. I wish they would show up soon. Or this delicate place would come crashing down without me doing anything about it.

Whether I like it or not though, I have to take a step forward and welcome a completely new life. And it starts now.

The Little Drumboy

2008-05-13T19:11:00.001+08:00

Drums
Beating wildy
But I can't seem to see
My Little Drum Boy
Beating Wildy
Anywhere
Oh, do you know?
Is this for real?
*I'm so afraid
That I'll love someone else
While he keeps on beating
My heart again and again
Love
Gets Deeper
As we discover the truth
Time
Never matter
I remember
In our vow
Where are you now?
Are you for real?
**Little Drumboy
Please keep on beating your drum
Fill my head
With the sound of your heart
Don't let it fade
Don't make me forget

(repeat * and **)

My friends and I decided to compose a song about the saddest part of your life and I ended up with that (see above). It's not much. But I like it. And I actually cried when I first sang it. Haha. We composed a group song, too. That one, I was pretty proud of. Go us!

Advertising my daughter!

2008-05-12T13:11:00.001+08:00

My blog gets a new face made by no other than my adorable DAUGHTER!!! Now I owe her lotsa love or a book. I figured out I'd have to give her both. Although the book part will have to wait until I actually have some moolah.

Btw, she's also designing lay-outs for websites for a fee! Please go to her site or contact her for more details. She's really really good... So what are you guys waiting for??? Hehe. Go! Pa-design na! YEAH!!!!

I probably will too, someday!!! (If I had the money AND the site. haha.)

HYPOTHETICALLY

2008-04-29T00:28:00.001+08:00

I never thought language differences with two people can be THIS frustrating.

HYPOTHETICALLY, let's say you accidentally *like* a guy. But that guy speaks a language you perfectly understand but unfortunately is pathetically INCAPABLE of speaking it straight. Say.... TAGALOG. So you try your best communicating who you really are because you know very well that who you really (funny! wacky! blabber mouth in a good way!) is probably the one he would get along with really good but when you start USING that darn language he uses, you start to sound like -well- very different from who you really are (lame! silent! awkward!) and what could be a beautiful friendship (and who knows? more than that???!!!) is turning out to be some lame useless charade of the usual uninteresting stuffs you have dared never ever to do in life but is now inevitable to do because you just don't effing know how to speak his damn effing language!!!

oh and you can't use the other language you're comfortable with - say, ENGLISH - because, well, that will just be too damn weird for him.

what do you do?

will you:

#1 Stop everything because it's pretty useless anyway considering that you probably won't ever express yourself the way you would want to.

#2 Buy all the tagalog DVDs, i mean all tagalog FAKE DVDs (hehe) you could get your hands on and practice, practice practice until you get the damn language right.

#3 NOT buy tagalog DVDs but just try anyway and just see where this weird friendship will lead to. If it doesn't work out then, FINE. If it does, then yippee!!!

#4 Befriend a tagalog speaker like him who could understand your situation and make him/her teach you how to use the damn language so you could communicate with the guy you HYPOTHEICALLY like better.

#5 Get Johnny Depp's number and forget about him, forever! (LAME)

WHICH ONE SHALL YOU CHOOSE?

(I wish there was another option though... "Tell him your situation - that you just suck at his language and ask if it's ok if you use english instead". Unfortunately, I tried that...didn't get the results I wanted. Gr.)

Was Bloghopping and ended up taking quizzes from other people's blog. Fun!

2008-04-10T23:09:00.001+08:00

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world.

And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it!

The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say

Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony

Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

because kage finished up my choco....(peace man!. hihi)

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.

You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.

Also nostalgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You?

um...batu?

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you've been able to rise above the angst of the world.

And when things don't go your way, you know they'll blow over quickly.

Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life.

You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful.

You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you're an open person.

With you, what you see is what you get... and people love that!

What's Your Element?

chai what??? i was hoping for a macchiato. T_T

and....

nothing na. ahha. too lazy to post everything I've taken. X_x

Makati Girl

2008-04-07T00:58:00.001+08:00

It has been two weeks since I've been here in Makati. It has been two weeks since I've been speaking tagalog most of the days. It has been two weeks since I started OJT. And you know what? This has probably one of the most memorable two weeks of my life. I have learned so much in this short span of time. And this is also the first time that I can actually feel I'm 'growing'. Haha. Funny but true.

I like it here in Makati, and I actually think I can survive if ever I'd end up working here after graduation. Just not permanently though. I'm still a probinsyana by blood. hehe.

P&A is a nice little company too. I like it there and the people are just so nice. They work like slaves though and with some times working straight for 48 hours, I'm seriously doubting if they're really just humans or not.

It was nice seeing familiar faces too. Batch 2002 welcomed us heartily here and even made us lunch. Then there's the lunch with my former cmsc 'bossings' at the salcedo weekend market. I'm just so overwhelmed with happiness right now that I don't have the words to elaborate on everything I have gone through from day 1. I will some day though. I guess. Maybe when it's time to go home na. hehe.

Most of all though, I just love my housemates. I don't think these weeks would have been that great if it weren't for them. I'm so so thankful that I have them in my journey here in Makati! Woot.

1006 pipz:

OJT pipz (P&A with de lasalle students):

COLE....I have failed you....T_T

2008-03-16T14:23:00.001+08:00

My first job as a mininay and I didn't even have the chance to do it...

Kill me now. T_T

Coley I'm so sorry... Im going to be there for you as much as possible next time... =( *hugs hugs*

Updates...?

2008-02-25T07:31:00.001+08:00

(Well, none of that really... a lot has happened and I'm just too uninspired to sensationalize about it - like i usually do - and so instead I'm just going to do a brief pathetic,um, 'life updates' bullets instead. Heh.)

WHAT HAD HAPPENED TO BAMBAM?

1. She won the CMSC Elections! Yes, she's going to be next school year's Chairperson. And yes, she's not kidding. Is she excited? Of course. Is she scared? Of course. Will she do any good? HELL YEAH. Next year, people will see my true powers. Mwahaha. They might die over it. Or die because of it. Err... Ok, i'm just feeling a bit feisty. The last 2 sentences were unnecessary. I admit. Hehe.

2. Blingbling Dos... done! Although there were quite a lot of glitches here and there, all in all I still enjoyed the night. It was great looking at the BlingBling Babes all glammed up and strutting their 'stuff'. Plus, Mika, Juno, and Liz was there so it was all AAYYT!

3. OJT (on-the-job training) is so effing near... and I haven't really readied myself yet. I dunno, somehow, the idea still seem so unreal. Me, going to Makati...Me, speaking tagalog.... Me, doing actual accounting stuff... Feels like one of my nightmarish episodes of...well..nightmares. -_-' (words words...where are you going?)

4. Prom is so effing near... and I'm so NOT ready. It's costly (well, probably, the dress is), It's tacky but... it's FREE (because the third years are paying for the food. I wish they pay for my dress too. Hekhek.). And I've already got a date. Haha. I dunno... Honestly, I dun feel like going. And if ever I do, it'll just for Tope (our batchrep), my date (bata!) or the fact that I'm addicted to making a total ass out of myself. heh.

5. Acads too messy. Self-explanatory I guess.

Well, I guess those are just the... Oh wait, I forgot this one.

6. I am watching LOBO. Yes, the over-acted kinda-like-the-book-'Blood and Chocolate' Pinoy fantaserye. I wanna tell you that it's for the sake of my tagalog education but really... I like it. haha. Angel and Papa Piolo look good together. Nuf Said!

7. I have been craving for Jap food lately too. Damn RairaiKen Iloilo Branch... why do have to burn???

So yeah, those are the updates on my life. I'm back to the Normal me again and I so like it. Too bad it won't be for long.

Ciao!

Lord God, Help Me

2008-02-06T14:34:00.001+08:00

To get through next week...Amen.

Dear EG,

2008-01-30T01:44:00.001+08:00

Kamusta ka na?

Ako, ok lang ko di. College na. Grabe di pagtambok ko! Remember mu to sang isa ka summer sang grade 5 ka na pirmi lang ta gakaon tsokolate kag whipped cream kag grabe guid pagbaboy ta to? Mas tambok pa ko dira GI! mas tambok pa ko guro sa imy hasta subong. MAS guid ya eh. Kita ko pic mo, niwang2x na sa imu..Kaluoy man... Gusto ta ka dira i-feed.

Dugay na ta la ka sturyahanay no? Ara man bi...pro gamay na lang na situryahanay. Di parehos sang una na hasta matulog ka, ga isturya ka man japon sa akon. Remember ko pa na gina sturya mo sa akon mga 'crushes' mo. halin Kay Mavi sang kinder pakadto ky Angeli sang grade 6 ka. Sadyahan ko to mamati. Pro deep inside, nadiri-an ko to. Kabata pa bi sa imu. Wahahaha. Mga stories mo pa guid about sa skul, sa ila ni Ricardo, kag ang imu Lord of the Rings-inspired fiction story. Hehe. Damu pa ta to gina isturya no? Subong jutay na lang... Pirmi na lang amu ni ho.
Ikaw: "Hi nang"
Ako: "EG BOY... Musta ra?"
Ikaw: "Oki lang..."
Ako: "Bag-o ka lang bugtaw?"
Ikaw: "Yah man"
Ako: "Nyuuu... Oki, te cge halong lang da! Have a great day mahn!"
Ikaw: "Oki nang. babay"
Ako: "Bye.."

Damu pa ko tani isturya o imangkot sa imu. Galing, ambot. Daw wala na may ga gwa bi. Gusto pa ko tani mamangkot sa imu kung paano ka nagpaniwang. Kung ano gina himu mo kada-Saturday kung ikaw lang da isa. Gusto ko tani mamangkot kung may crush ka na dira. Kag kung ara, sino? Pinay or kana? Gusto ko mabal-an kung ga hampang ka pa games sa pc and ps japon, kag kung ara, ano? Napasar mo na ang Halo? Ano na story ya man? Ano na da mga paborito mo na pagkaon man? Wala naman bi pochero na beef kay papa eh. Naga bike ka na ba? Ano da gina teach ka skul nyo man? Mas nami xa sa Hua Ming? May favorite pillow ka na dira? Nadula na di bi Fave Pillow mo eh. May skin disease ka pa sa hita? Gamay kag weirdly shaped man japon imu tiil? Katulog ka na biskan wala may gahulid sa imu kada gabi? Ginakulbaan ka pa sa dulom?

Damu man ko isugid sa imu. Sadya college dri pro budlay. Katalaka magtuon. May new friends na ko dri. Group name namun Lost Sheep. Sadya na sila Gi...Remember mo pa sila ni Joy, Mika, Elizte kag ni Kat? Migahay man kami japon Gi. Amu man sila japon ka abno. Miss ka na nila daun. Buhi pa si Ms. Galang. Kag daw la xa nagtigulang. Amu man japon tsura nya halin Grade 1 pa kita. Pro dugay na na wala to office nya. Gin saylo xa sa masgamay kag masmainit na office. Kalaw-ay gani. Kaluoy kay Miss. Dugay na ko dayun naguntat piano. Pero ga asa pa to xa na mabalik ta.

Wala na ko gapuli sa Bakyas. Gina pa renta na to nila ni Papa. Oki lang kwarto mo kay la gina sudlan. Damu ya nanamian sang kwarto ko so didto ila pirmi gina occupy. Sa eroreco na ko ga puli. Pro la ko to kwarto. Dorm na to eh. Gatulog na lang ko sa sala. Ara man japon si Ponso sa aton. Kiwi man japon mata ya. May bag-o ta na helper, si Nang lucy. Nami xa magluto Gi, buot pa daun. Gamay2x galing sa iya. Hehe. Si tito rex didto man gaistar, pro daw may 'mini' balay to xa. Gasagad na guid xa magluto gi..tani matilawan mo new dishes nya. Pro sisig japon ispesyalty ya. Si papa kag si mama, nagbaboy na guid. Si mama super religious. Si papa addict sa slimming tea. And yep, Buhi pa sila ni Polaris kag ni JR. Pro basi manugpatay na si Polaris. Kaniwang na sa iya... Grabe hibi ko sang nakita ko xa recently. Gusto ko na lang xa i-take care forever didto sa Balay.

Na miss ta gid ka bala Gi. Na miss ko na mga 'study' moments ta na kita lang duwa sa balay kay si papa ga basketbol kung gab-i. Hadlok ka gid basta mag 10pm na kay usually ga brown out na. Weapons ta to sang una tinidor kag bolpen just in case may kawatan o aswang. Wahahaha. Pirmi ta ka to ginasuyaan na agi kay nahadlok ka mag brownout. Pro sa tuod gi... Kulbaan man ko to... Na miss ko na mag pilit sa imu na maghampang Warcraft kay gusto ko makita mga 'mini' movies kada pasar mo sa isa ka level. Na miss ko na mag anime marathon everyday halin 5pm sa AXN pakadto 7pm sa GMA. Namiss ko na mag assemble2x upod sa imu mga tirador, espada, kag pana halin sa kawayan. Namiss ko na magpilit sa imu kanta sang mga mini songs mo like ang "Pohlaris, uhuh, Polaris, uhuh" song mo. Kag ang "Battle Realms" song. Pati pa gid ang "Where is My Ballpen?" song...Namiss ko na maghulid kag magstorya kung ano2x lang sa imu kung gabi kay di ka katulog kung wala pa si papa sa tupad mo.

Na miss mo man na GI?

kadugay na na wala ta nagkit-anay no? Grade 6 ka to. Ako 3rd year HS. Subong ma graduate ka na hayskul, ako manug naman sa college. Dugay na guid no...Kung magraduate ka da GI, makakit-anay pa ta ayhan? basi after 5 years naman bala haw. Lain na na guro tsura ko. Or imu. basi di na ta magkilal-anay.

Anyway, sadyahan guid ko to bala gi sang updanay pa ta. Sadyahan guid ko magpakaun sa imu, maghatag2x kung ano2x lang after klase, kag mag story telling sa mga planned novels ko. Ikaw lang guid bi ang daw gapamati guid tuod sa akon. Tapos kung subo ko, gina hug mo guid ko biskan sa public na pwede ka masuyaan sang iban mo na classmates. Salamat Gi. Hehe.

Salamat kay gina pakadlaw mo ko sang una. Salamat kay gina tudluan mo ko sang mga bag-o na natun-an mo sa skul, biskan sa magpanahi na lang sang bag sa HELE nyo na klas. Salamat kay ginpalantaw mo ko Ghostfighter. Salamat kay gintudluan mo ko paano magdrawing tawo na naka'sideview'. Salamat kay nag try ka guid na tudluan ko maghampang sa PS kag sa PC. Salamat na gina pasar mo ang games tapos gina butang mo ngalan ko as if ako daw naghampang. Salamat kay nag upod ka sa akon enjoy sa Arboretum dira biskan hambal nila ni manong inagi xa kay puro lang to flowers and trees. Salamat sa pag-write kay mama sang letter na papulion na lang ko sa Pinas kay nasubuan ka magtulok sa akon pirmi gahibi. Salamat na wala ka nag 'babye' sa akon sang naghalin ko. Indi ko to guro magbalik dri kung nakita ta ka.

Miss ta na ka Gi. Subo di na wala manghod. Tani kabalik ka na. Tani one year na lang.

Luv ya GI!!!!!!!!! *HUGS TODO TODO*

Always and Forever,

Manang Bam

This is the kind of guy I wanna marry

2008-01-16T11:18:00.001+08:00

Wahahha.... he's not really a sicko as you may think after watching that vid. He's an artist with a bunch of REALLY cool comic/cartoons I've been watching for months now. Here's on of em:

go check more of his vids on youtube. ^_^ There's something more to him too. *winks at Zs* :)

This Feeling Again...

2008-01-12T18:57:00.001+08:00

I'm in a rut and I don't know how I got here.

Notice how we all section our lives into different parts? College days, Sembreak days, Summer days, Highschool days, elementary days, the-time-before-elementary days...so on... Well, I used to have my own sectioning schemes too. I used to look at my life in ERAs. Yes, it must have been a boring influence from reading too much historical stuffs (eg. the Tokugawa-era, the JFK-era, etc) but yeah, I do see my life then in self-made time frames usually with a person, thing or an event highlighting that span of time. (eg. the Abby Eras, the WE CARE CLUB Eras, the flute-lessons eras, the beef missuno eras, the Zclan eras, etc.) It never cease to amaze me how fun it was remembering those times. It was far from perfect. Some eras had more 'downs' than 'ups' but the thing is, I considered every moment interesting. Never was there a day similar to another. It's really felt like I was in an UNboring Chronicled Book where every single chapter mattered.

I'd probably call that book the SUPER AMAZING LIFE OF A NOT-SO-ORDINARY ORDINARY Girl. (Did I make a mistake putting this sentence here? -_-)

The point is though... not long after highschool graduation, those amazing eras, those interesting days, those moments that mattered... gradually disappeared. I found myself living a life where everything was so...gray. Like...everything was so...nothing. Kinda like walking pointlessly to nowhere in an inky black space. I got so uninterested in life. I even went to a point where I just got SO SICK of doing anything. So sick of sleeping, so sick of waking up, so sick of eating, studying, smiling, walking, talking, sitting, standing, waking up...It was so fucking sickening I wanted to fucking puke every fucking second of everyday. I was so appalled by the realization that something so remarkable as life can be so...horribly empty. Every night I'd feel hot tears on my face and it's so ironic because inside, I feel nothing but coldness. That's how my eras ended. My book lost.

It's exactly a year when that happened. Luckily, I kinda recovered. It was hard to... Forcing myself to move when all I wanted to do was stay still and watch myself and the world and everything in it...wither away. I can not remember how long it took me to finally eat food and taste it, listen to people and understand...smile to others and mean it. But I eventually did. My eras started, my book found.

The problem is... I'm finding myself falling in this gray hellhole again. And it sucks. Now I'm wondering that maybe...it's just me. Maybe I've been living in the past long enough that I can not make a step anymore. Why do I find it so hard to move forward these days? Why was it so simple then? so natural?

How the hell did I get here?

Now I know how suicidal people feels. This feeling of emptiness...It's like standing at the edge of the cliff far too long and in so many times that it doesn't really matter anymore if you fall or not. The step towards life. The step towards death. They all feel the same. No black or white; just the depressing color of gray.

I'm getting pushed to the edge of the cliff again and it's so hard to take hold of something to pull myself back up or to force myself to step at the right side. But what if it gets unbearably tiring this time around to do it all by myself? Just this one time, I want to be pulled by somebody or something else.

I don't know how I got here. I want out. But I can't.

Lazy Dasy

2008-01-06T09:19:00.001+08:00

Took a bunch of "Relationship" tests... here's one:

What Are You Looking for in a Relationship?

My Result: Best Friend

There are many different ways to look at relationships, but for you, finding a best friend, the one person you share everything with, is the most important. Some people focus more on the romantic image of a soul mate to last the span of time, but you probably prefer the reality of making the most of every moment of every day. And who better to live those moments with than someone who's true blue through and through?

The ideal match for you is probably someone who can anticipate the next word out of your mouth and who laughs at the punch line before you even tell it. Chances are it's important to you that they'd expand your circle of friends, introduce you to new places, faces, and experiences, too. Whether this relationship is here for the short- or the long- term, you're a take-it-as-it-comes kind of person, with few expectations or fairytales to live up to. You'd take your constant companion and trusted secret-keeper over a fairy princess or Prince Charming, any day. Whether you realize it or not, there's someone out there who feels the same way about you. Like you, that someone is looking for the one person to be their best friend — both in the bedroom and out.

Take this test >

Best Bud, I'm just here!!!!!!! XD

Am I a Racist?

2008-01-02T19:16:00.001+08:00

I hate Koreans.

I loath, despise and am sometimes severely disgusted with just the very sight of them.

Ok, maybe just the ones staying at our house. GRR...

OK, I'm hating so much that I dunno what to write anymore.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH

f***

I'm human after all.

Now, stop hating bam.

Weight Issues

2007-12-29T18:55:00.001+08:00

I've never considered myself as being vain. I don't think I am. Well, I do concern myself with regular hygiene stuffs like your usual shampoo, soap, conditioner, facial wash, powder, uh... shampoo, conditioner...hmmm... hehe. However, there's one thing that, and I've just realized this, I may be just a little bit MORE conscious of than all the rest of the people I know.

Weight.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have anorexia nervosa nor am I bulemic (sheesh, no way man), it's just that... Well, when you've been through that ideal weight and body figure and THEN lose it...It kinda, well, GETS INTO YOUR NERVES BIG TIME. Yesh... I have been through that ideal weight and body figure (at least for me) way back in high school. At 5'2 i weighted just a little above 100lbs and had a 32-24-34 figure and I didn't really appreciate those, er, 'good' body proportions until I entered college.

You see, I never had any problems of losing weight then. I'd eat my heart out and my daily curricular and extra-curricular activities would do the weight loss job for me. very great. Now though... Now, it's just way Harder to do that. I still eat the way i used to (that, i may have to discuss next time. hekhek). The problem is that I don't have those weight loss activities that I used to have then. And the pounds I gain while pigging out? You guess it, stored in my humps and lumps FOREVAH. (ok the forevah part was gay, i know)

I mean when I was in highschool, everyday seemed like a constant workout. Our classroom was in the third floor so I'd have to go up and down the stairs for at least four times. Lunch time was play time (we used to have this ninja game where we would hide from Liz and run our butt off when she's near), and after class I'd either have ballet class or swimming training. On weekends, there's swimming and play time with dear brother EG. Not to mention, uhm, training with the Zs. No wonder maintaining my weight was a breeze.

But now. NOW. Hay. -_-' Weight loss activities? None. Nada. Kapoot. Wush, nothing. It's depressing actually. The only exercise I get is the daily walk to school...oh and climbing the stairs twice a day. And it's not even a high stair. Darn it. For years now, I've been trying to shed me pounds with all sort of 'techniques': Fad diets, water treatment, slimming soap (??!!!) and even resorted to slimming teas (but couldn't take it eventually cause MAN, THOSE TEA STINKS LIKE HELL). I know these things won't work anyway. The only real answer for me is exercise and sadly, with school and all, I can't have any.

But that's what I used to think then.

Now that the new year is fast approaching, I'm feeling motivated to lose my weight more than ever. I'm just so sick and tired dragging these humongous humps and lumps of mine, I just...can't...friggin...take it anymore!!! That's why I've entered into a SERIOUS bet with my group, the Zs. (serious ni guys ha!!!!!) In a month, we ALL have to shed AT LEAST 5 lbs or take off 2 inches from our waist line. The (poor) person who can't do either one will have to face a humiliating punishment on liz's birthday. The punishment (I won't tell) is humiliating enough that I'm actually SOOO motivated to shed these flabbyflabflabs. The boyfriends even joined in. Wehehe. I can't wait to start slimming down.

Cause right now, I still can't. T_T

God, I talk too much.

Christmas News and others

2007-12-26T09:04:00.001+08:00

Hohoho!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Although, it's a bit late. weheheh...

Christmas break is going smooth. The early days were spent conceptualizing a billing system for liz (err..actually, it's for Marapara Golf and Country Club and Liz is having her OJT there and I'm helping her out with the manual systems, etc...@_@) and visiting various malls for...hmm, actually, I forgot why we did that. mwahaha... I guess we wanted to work OUTSIDE. Staying at home does our brain no good. AT ALL. We just ate and ate until we got alarmingly big. hehe.

Then the annual noche buena.

Every year, the family always had this Christmas party were everybody would bring foods and just catch up on each other. When we were small, we still have this kid's games (animal sounds, egg racing, etc.) and talent shows were Papa would give away money to the 'brave ones' who's willing enough to render a song, dance or even a declamation for the whole clan. Unfortunately for papa, WE were all brave ones so he'd always end up empty-handed. The part will end with good ol pinoy karaokeing and gift giving to the cousins and titas and titos.

As years passed by though, the games gradually toned down and the talent shows slowly disappeared. It's not a surprise since we're all growing up already. The kids dwindled down and more conscious 'disciplined grown-ups' emerged but still, the family always found ways to make the annual gathering 'fun'.

This year was no different. Yeah, our family members decreased (some are working abroad already) and there were a few additions (the koreans and BLOODY Pieter) but all was well! We had a feast! Tito whipped up some VERY memorable dishes (beef tips...@_@ baked mac with EXTRA cheese...@_@ low-sugar flan..??? XD). And we all loved it. We had a small game of pinoyhenio (but the koreans took all the fun in it cause they were just...bah... i dunno. -_-) and ended with a 4-hour karaoke spree. By the time the party ended, all people were either too stuffed or drunk to move out. Yet they still did and I was left to fix our trashed home. But it was still great!

Joy's birthday was also a blast! It was just me, Mika & Juno, Joy&Franz, and Liz. But I loved it. It was intimate, simple and beautiful. Just the way our friendship to each other is. I also loved the foodies. And although i was all LUPOT-Y, I still ate like crazy. (almost finished up a whole chicken actually. WOOT.) We even visited Kat and our adorable ihado for the second time...hehe. That kid sure knows how to entertain us... and it's mind blowing to see him poop. Tis soooo funny. :)

Right now, I'm just bumming around with my bro and sis. I'll proli work on the system later. I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I guess I'm just really happy how this christmas turned out to be. So happy that I can't wait for New Year!!!

bring it on, bebe! =D

My Love Story

2007-12-10T22:25:00.001+08:00

I wanted to make your usual cheesy love song, and ended up with this instead.

I've been walking ahead of time
I've been dreaming too much and I
Didn't notice the open doors
I kept searching in my sleep
Didn't know you passed by me
Didn't know you passed by me

Said it'll always come around
And I've been waiting all this time
Learned my lesson in the end that
Things don't go how I want them to be
I got to wake up and admit to myself
That all... all I wanted was you
All I want is you

Tell me I am not too late
Would you give me another chance?
Oh, I can't forget those eyes
Staring pass this empty skin
Now I have those eyes for you
Baby only you
Now my world is inside out because of you

Never gonna waste my time
Cause I have learned that love won't come around, But
I don't know where to start
Should I say that I was so foolish?
Admit to myself that I got so scared
But now... Now I wanna say

I don't want this dream of you and me to stay as fantasy
I have said so many "no's" in my life but I don't want one from you

Wish that I was brave enough
I wish that I can say these words
So that I'd be worth for you
So that you would love me too
Cause now that I'm awake
I find myself in a world of closed doors
I scream and I scream
Oh, Can you hear me?
Say...say...
I love you.

Cheesy? Check! Guess I was successful then. hah. ^_^'

Back

2007-12-04T17:48:00.001+08:00

Finally, after a gazillion times of failed attempts to access this craphole blogger of mine, i get to see the insides of my dashboard again. I've been wanting to blog for the past few days now but couldn't and now that I can, well, you guess it... nothing...-_- Sunlog guid tuod ah...

What to blog. what to blog. what to blog.

Oh!

I remember when I was in second year college (or the end of it, who cares, it's a minor detail anyway), I 'vowed' to myself that my journals and my blog would contain nothing or well, almost nothing of the things that I've done for that day and instead, focus purely on my inner thoughts. You see, I've always been giving high value on what I called 'private memories'. Basically, they're just memorable events experienced by everyone but different, in a way, that the memory is seen through your OWN eyes, interpreted by your own subconscious thoughts and tucked in deep in your own mind. Gets? In simpler words (haha), I've always been reluctant on writing down events in my life in the belief that the memories are so much more valuable if you keep it in your own thoughts privately. That's why I never take pictures of great sunsets and instead just stare at it gratefully as it gradually ends.

Times like these though. I just want to do the exact opposite. Wahahahahaha. So what's the point of mentioning all those private memories thingies?

Wala lang. hehe.

Ok, so today, I woke up at the very wrong side of the bed. Hamakon mo na lang, tunga sang lawas ko ara na gle sa dalum. That scared me seriously though since I'm not usually move-y when I sleep. I just noticed that lately, I've been otherwise. It may be because of these strange dreams I've been having... I always find myself in a dark tunnel running, and it's freaky, because I know I'm alone but it feels like I'm being chased by someone...or something...GYAAHH....T_T Back to my day though...

So I woke up, grabbed my cellphone, and checked out the time...only I couldn't because, well, the CP's dead and so after some annoying fumbling inside the closet, I got my charger and charged away!!! (This is probably going to be a LOOONG post. -_-) When I opened my CP, i couldn't help but open my mouth too... it was already 8:40... and my class starts at 8:30. Without ado (and a good bath), I changed and zoomed out for class. I was late of course and almost missed the quiz. But I didnt, so yay!

Auditing classes started.
Auditing classes ended.
Did I learn anything? None of course. I did realize though that I have to start reading because our one book long exam is scheduled next week, currently we're tackling like page 300+ of the book already and me? I'm still not done with page 1 yet. -_- That kinda blew me off but oh well.

After that, Pax and I thought of a good ending for our batch's play. I honestly told him that there's still something missing with the overall play. The anticlimactic element is still there and over-all, I can't feel that it's a winning play, yet. I do like the plot and all...But there's something wrong with the dialogue and the flow of the play still needs some tweaking... and... Basta, daw ka damu lang... One of it is the ending and so yeah, we tried to fix it. We did think of something but I hope it would turn out to be, at least, satisfactory in my standards... I like how Pax is so dedicated to this play and although I still don't have my whole heart in it, I'm more than willing to help him achieve his vision. I can never say no to somebody with a vision.

=>>>>>FAST FORWARD TO REAL TODAY (December 7, 2007)

That post was done days before. I can not recall when. Probably on tuesday? Yeah, maybe that's it. Anyway, yesh, it was unfinished. I don't know why though...this is probably the first time I had an unfinished post in my blog. Wahaha... Gawd, I am so turning into a total slob these days. -_-

It's 5:22:am in my clock now and I'm still a bit sleepy but I don't know why I just...can't go back to it. I'm literally in my bed right now and no matter how I half-close my eyes or think of sleepy thoughts... nothing. Is God telling me to start my day real early from now on? Hmmm...

Just a while ago, I came across Jhaynee's Blog and found out that we have a lot in common too... Okay, maybe not THAT much but we do have the same sentiments in taking this cursed course. It made me think though, why do we keep on putting ourselves in such hellhole anyway? And why do we do nothing about it? When you make a mistake, is it really destiny?

I don't think so. And I'm going to do something about my own.

I am not going to die an accountant. Never. I will be so much more. I will become a teacher, a beloved one. Of the arts, of life. A philosopher in my own right. And a messenger to all those after me that our destiny lies in our own hands... Our fates are not written in stone, indeed. And I will erase what I have drawn before and paint another one. More colorful and with great meaning this time around.

I'll just have to get through this, day by day. Goodluck to me. :)

Hmmm....

2007-11-26T00:47:00.001+08:00

Ngaa indi ko ya ma access ang dashboard ko sa akon pc sa iloilo haw? -_-

asdlfkhlaifgleyrgfnbflkhfbleajgvklajfgyrq. GRRR.

November 1

2007-11-02T07:56:00.001+08:00

It's weird that on this day, it's not the dead that I'm missing but the living ones...

Ever since I was a kid, the whole family (Papa, Mama and the FIVE if us kids) would always go on a trip to Sagay, a small city up north Bacolod, to visit the grave of my mama's father. I remember that I always had mixed feelings whenever the day would arrive. It'll mean an early onslaught from the INVADER (our mother) as she not-so-softly-at-all shake us out of our peaceful slumber, yanking an arm, a leg or two just to make sure we're up and about at 4 in the morning. It irritates the hell out of us all but amidst our childish moans and occasional tantrums, we know that we can do absolutely nothing if mother willed it so.

I remember how we would all pray before the trip, asking guidance so that Papa may drive safely giving us all a smooth trip. I was always scared for Papa then...thinking how hard it would be for him to drive straight for 2 hours early in the morning. I was guilty of not REALLY praying everytime we did. Instead of doing so, I'd think up of every horrible things that might happen to us, plan my escape route -- and secretly hoping that God won't consider anything that I have thought simply because, well, I've thought of them first. (I used to have this belief that God does everything in surprises.) The prayer will end with one Our Father, three Hail Marys, one Glory Bes, and a Oh My Jesus... Mama tend to have this habit to make ALL prayers kinda like a mini-rosary. After so, we would start moving...

I remember being one of the last ones to sleep in the journey. I always waited for us to pass Silay, Talisay and EB Magalona before I could sleep. I cherished the scenery. The greenery zooming pass by you...it has a comforting effect. I tend to daydream whenever I see landscapes passing by me. The daydreams...I would keep to myself...haha. I'd sleep after having a couple of episodes in my head and when I'd wake up, we'd be in Sagay already.

I remember waiting in the wet market as Mama and Papa buy fish and clams. Most of the sibling fights would start here. Whether it's because of an extra can of Coke or a bag of Chips, it will always end up in a brawl and one sobbing child. They'd tease the sobbing child some more, and the sobbing child, well, sobs forever. Most often than not, I was the sobbing child. (-_-) After the not-so-brief marketing, we'd head to the cemetery. It's a public cemetery so the tombs are just piled everywhere in clutters. There's little space to walk on and we'd always end up stepping on babies' tombs to go to Lolo's tomb. I always had this gnawing fear whenever we did that. What if the tomb I'm stepping on will suddenly collapse?! What if a skeletal hand will suddenly shoot up in a an instant and grab my ankle and pull me to hell?! (Fortunately, both cases never happened. ) After visiting the tomb (and some sight-seeing of bones in smashed tombs -- see, it's very possible for it to collapse!), we'd go to the side of the cemetery, gather some dead grass, burn it and 'wash' ourselves with the smoke from the grass. The old folks call this 'limas-limas' and, I'm not sure, but it's supposed to take away the atmosphere of the dead clinging unto you as you passed the cemetery.

I remember visiting Lola and other Sagay Pipz (mother's side aunties, uncles and cousins) and having a small feast that always consist of smoked fish, native chicken tinola, clams and billions of Coke. This was the only year we get to see them so it's always been fun. I know the day is for mourning but in this side of the island, the day of the dead are also Fiesta Days, so the atmosphere is nothing but lively. The only thing I regret is that I'd never be able to eat Lola's famous tinola...since it's made with native chicken... After some merrymaking and money give-aways, we'd go home contented. On the way to Bacolod, the family will sing various songs that had been choreographed by either my mom or my sister such as 'I've been working in the railroad', 'My Bonnie lies over the ocean' and Spice Girls' '2 become 1'. Everyone was happy...

This year... Well, we still did all those things. But I was the only child left. There were no more pit stops in the wet market, no sibling fights, and there were already two tombs for the Desabelles to visit. My lola died in 2002. This year, there was no more feast. Instead, scores of problems greeted my mom as my aunties poured over their financial problems and their marital woes. There was no merrymaking. The chicken tinola had been gone since lola died.

The way home was still the same, same car, same seat by the window, same scenery. But the music is gone and I've forgotten the lyrics of those songs too. I still watch the scenery pass by but only for a brief moment. I chose to sleep the whole trip away. And dream of past days in similar journeys, in the same road, same car, same seat...

FOOD BLOG?!

2007-10-30T00:12:00.001+08:00

The sem break didn't turn out as what I have planned, but that's ok. I didn't lose 10 lbs (surpirse!), but that's ok. I wasn't able to learn how to cook tito rex style ( or ANY style for that matter..) or relearn a piano piece or finish three novels (just did a thick one. will that justify anything?), BUT THAT IS OK. I'm just dandy that I get to rest as much as I can everyday. I know I wont have the luxury to when classes starts... Dandy... I haven't used that word for a long time...such a gay word...haha. (I love gay people, do not get me wrong.)

Anyway, I've been thinking of putting up a food blog. I've been reading food blogs the whole morning and I've noticed that a bulk of them talks on and on about, well, "high class" foods... the kind that you won't probably ever taste in your lifetime if you're in a third world country (not that it bothers me). It's amusing of course but kinda bland if you've read hundreds of "Hiboto lamb chops with tarteu-somethingsomething wedges" or "le cest'pleta-FRENCHsomethingsomethings". They look nice (not necessarily, yummy) in photos but you won't really get to appreciate it (well, I dont) since there's so little items I can relate to. And their yapping endlessly on high-end food kinda sounds irritatingly boisterous and arrogant... makes me wanna shove their Hiboto lamb chops up their high-end asses!! (I may just be senselessly bitching over this cause I really wanna try Hiboto lamb chops, but can not because, well, I refuse to eat cute lambs) OK, I admit, there are actually quite few of them that I like but there isn't just one for the ordinary filipino student with limited food budget and all. I mean, wouldn't it be UBER-FUN to read something that you could ACTUALLY (as a middle-class struggling student) relate to??!! Wouldn't it be UBER-FUNner to make one?!!

It wouldn't be Jollibeeblog though. You'd be surprise on the many cheapER and better food choices students have nowadays... Plus, lot's are healthier than those styro foods we get from fast food restos. (I'm not against Jollibee or other fast food. I love Jabi fries) OK OK... the bottomline is...I guess I just want to share one of my greatest passions... FOOOOODDD...hehe... The only problems are:

1. I do not have any digi cam - one thing I've learned in food blogs is that it is CRUCIAL to have photos of the food you're talking about. And it's best if it's the actual photo of the thing you're eating. Without them, well, it'd just be plain boring...

2. My cam phone sucks big time - My phone's made to be an MP3. It doesn't pay much attention to visual details. So the cam phone? primitive.

3. err...It ain't that weird taking pictures of your food before you eat it right? O.o'

4. Also, if all the above requirements would be met... it wouldn't work out as I imagine it would since, well, I SUCK AT TAKING PICTURES.

However, you won't really know if you try right? So that's it!!! Soon, there'd be an "EBA FOOD BLOG" up and running (haven't decided what to call it yet) so do check it out OKI??!! Weee!!

I can't really sleep, and I don't wanna write anything serious so... voila. haha. EBA FOOD BLOG! wee! I'm all giddy with excitement!!! =D

PS: Hear ye! hear ye! To people who could make me blog designs (I wanna revamp my life and I'm starting with the intangibles, one such is this blog), if you'd donate a design for me, then...I won't pay moolah... but I'm willing to give a...BOOK!!! If you're a person like me, the book is GUARANTEED to be UBER-interesting! if you're not, then I assure you that it won't be anything trashy or porno. (unless you like the latter, I could give you a classic one. Yes, naughty me. XD ) It's a surpise book though so you can't choose. wehehehe.... haha... feeling ko na gid ya na damu2x gabasa diri ba. feeler bambam, feeler...hahahaha. pro tuod to guys... just message me...wahahaha.

208

2007-10-25T08:31:00.001+08:00

I woke up with a start just a while ago. It was hot and sticky and for a moment, I had no idea where I was.

Painted metal ceilings.
A slim fluorescent bulb.
Earthy texture beneath me.
The smell of wilted roses.

It took one more minute for my mind to finally recognize the familiar scenery and when I did, I just couldn't help but let out a small groan that sounded more like an annoying high pitched whimper.

208.

That's the name of my room here in Iloilo City. It's the room's number of course, but I look at it non numerically subjecting it to the space's strange yet actual name. Like the guy with the name 'Y' or those name that has special characters in them (you'd be surpise how many have dashes, apostrophes and commas attached to their names).

I'm back then, I confirmed.

208 has always been a room of refuge for me. Countless times I have spent pouring my emotions alone to this room. Laughing, screaming, crying, convulsing in a weird mixture of techno-ish singsong chant and epileptic tribal dances. It has been my home for 3 years and without fail, it always gave me this coveted warm fuzzy feeling I have been missing since we moved out of our Bakyas home in Bacolod. It is of great horror then that I found myself feeling something else. An alien feeling. One of contempt and undeniable loathing. I refuse to bring myself to feel such for that would mean losing another home. I'll end up having my own self to seek refuge on and it's excruciatingly...lonely...like hugging yourself in a dark corner under the rain. Only once will I subject myself to such feelings, I promised. Only once, no more.

For the first time I wished I wasn't here. For the first time I wish I'd just disappear, warp myself to another place. Or the other way around, and I just watch it change instantly to another one. It's windows, 5 inches bigger with additions to the wall adjacent to me; the closet morph into a dark brown narra with pristine cream colored paint inside; the walls...ceilings...floors...turn into dark mahogany with a staunchy earthy smell that only exists in my memory now; the pathetic flourescent bulb disappear replaced by the natural bright haunting light of midday. I want everything blue to burn. The computer table, the bed, the sofa, the cooking table, the ridiculously thin extra foam. I want the creaky beds back, the termite infested bookshelf, the dusty stuffed humans and animals, the smelly aircon and the millions of grey little figurines.

I want them all back.
bring them back.
bring them back.
bring them back.
bring them back.

I open my eyes again and flashes of navy colored things appear before me. And so I say to myself, Brown is then, Blue is now.

And Blue isn't so bad at all. It's actually kind of peaceful if you look at it sincerely. Admonish memories and just see it in its own light. It is smooth. New. And Hopeful, Bam. 208 has been my refuge and has been my home ever since I got homeless. Its topsy-turviness I have grown to love. I laugh, cry and loathed in its presence.

I competely woke up and smiled to myself.

I'm back then, I confirmed.

Fast Forward to sembreak!

2007-10-08T00:04:00.001+08:00

I CAN NOT WAIT FOR SEMBREAK.

I can see it now... endless hours of sleeping, watching dvds, being with the Zs, and best of all.... endless hours away from ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH FRIGGIN ACCOUNTING. Lately, I've been having 'course decision issues'. (again) I mean, just a single page of accounting texts is enough to make me vomit all day, i tell you. And so, i'm wondering... why the hell am I here again??!! I thought, if only I could stick it up... I might find it fun after some time... But now that I'm in my 4th year...all i have to say is... ASA BAM. I don't want to admit it but.... I really do think I'm regretting my decision to take this cursed course at the first place... And that's what I hate the most... regretting something...

why why why why......

Bah, asking myself such a pointless question wont do anything. grr... It's too late to back out... But...I don't have the heart to move forward either. I feel so stuck in the middle. Somebody.... GUYOD ME.....T_T *snapoutofitbamfrigginsnapoutofit* Oh well.

I guess I really have no choice. I might as well move forward no matter how hard it is for me to do so. *sigh* The only thing that's making this all good is the thought that there'd be sem breaks and summer breaks and that although some are nerdy, generally, my accounting classmates are all great people! And boy, do I have some great plans for this sem break! (I am trying to be jolly, can you tell? -_-)

Things to do this sembreak....

1. read three novels or more!
2. learn how to cook tito rex style
3. learn one piano piece
4. redecorate bakyas home
5. LOSE 10 LBS
6. holloween chuvah with the Zs (and little kiddies, i love kiddies...=D )
7. make initial moves for Zs business
8. tour POHLAR and MAE and other iloilo pipz all over the city
9. attend masscara (complete with all those walking in the plaza and stuff, I't's about time to do that na...)
10. Help out mom with her office stuffs (and try to be a good daughter)

Hmm... looks like I won't have enough time for buming around... but that's ok... ANYTHING'S BETTER THAN ACCOUNTING. wehehehe....

But for now, I have to live through the finals week first... huhu... *studies*

Bambam's Friend test!

2007-10-07T00:22:00.001+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

Love...

2007-09-23T12:48:00.001+08:00

Last words of a parrot to his owner...

"You be good. See you tomorrow. I love you."

... If that's not love, then I don't know what love is...

At the Coffeebreak...

2007-09-15T23:24:00.001+08:00

I've been spending almost all of my nights at this coffeeshop lately. It's called Coffeebreak, the one in General Luna Street just in front of the bridge. Kage and I study their until the waiters shoo us away. I must admit, it didn't really appeal to me first: pulling an all nighter at some dimly lit coffeeshop i mean, but after they had this study room scheme lately (buy Php50 worth o' goodies and you can stay in this separated white light room that resembles something like a posh dorm's common study area until they close at 2am), it actually turned out to be really cool. And helpful. Although, studying in my own room has its obvious perks (no cost, no distractions) I prefer studying there now. You'd be forced to really read something when you're there since, in the study room, everybody's burning their candles as if they were cramming with you too.

I've lost count of how many nights we've been there already but every night's always been something really nice for me. I've grown so used to its sights and smell that I've actually grown fond of going there. Sure, those nursing pipz are a bit too loud, the sweet goodies are mostly stale, and those all-men waiters are a wee bit intimidating (and annoying, when they start asking you personal infos. grr.) but amidst all that (and its kinda modern interior - i've never been so fond of those designs), i'm really liking it there.

Wala lang. I just wanted to appreciate the place verbally for once. haha. I actually wanted to write something different (something melancholic, if i remember) but here I am again, ending up with a totally different material. Oh well. I guess somethings never change.

So tired, haven't slept for almost 2 days now. nyar nyar. Ciao~

Reminiscing

2007-08-24T23:11:00.000+08:00

I've read and reread the things I've written here and i just can't believe that it's been almost FOUR years.... four years mahn... haha... I remember how liberating the feeling was whenever I wrote something in this blog. I must admit, I've lost that feeling for almost a year. During those times, all I could think of was to never write anything again. I really don't know why. Writing is one of the few things that I do wherein I could be the real me...To suddenly halt for no exact reason at all was beyond me, yet...that's what happened. haha... weird...

Anyway, so I reread what I wrote and I couldn't help but give a soft chuckle everytime I read one of my HHK entries... Hahaha.... It amuses me how I was so crazy over that guy...hehe. But it doesn't surprise me at all. He really is a great guy you know. And yes, my wish did come true. Although we're not THAT close, he became one of my good friends. Every conversations we had (even the ones where most spaces where filled with "wahahahahaha" and "wehehehehe"s) were very special to me. Aside from the fact that he IS after all my first serious crush, It's just that I can't help but feel how similar we are when we talk. We have lots of common likes and I'm just so happy that he really turned out to be what I fantasized him to be... He's been gone for 2 years now but we still keep in touch every now and then. Mostly on-line. He'd greet me first and I'd crack a (very) corny joke, he'll laugh, I laugh and it ends there most of the time but no matter how little the time spent, I just feel extremely... contented. Just the thought that he spares what little time he has (he's so busy with work, always doing reports and stuff) for me is so much more than what I could ask for. I'm so grateful he's there giving me this wonderful feeling. Haha, it's never gonna happen...US I mean, but I'm fine with that. Heck, I don't even want THAT to happen. (wala ku gapakipot! haha.) I'm just really really contented cherishing his very existence... silently. Haha... is that love? wahahahahha. yucks. XD

Back to reminiscing... I've realized this for a million times now but actually reading evidences of it, I must say... damn, those good 'ol days were sure fun... I remember how carefree it was back in first year. You need not worry about anything at all! School stuffs weren't hard and you had all those amazing (but sometimes boring) breaks! I remember spending them with Mitch either pigging out or singing our asses of in the karaoke booth (gawd, how long has it been since we did that?). Classes would end by 230 and all we did after that was cheer on the boys as they played volleyball or just hang out by the flagpole talking about random stuffs till dusk. I'd go home to the dorm to change and have dinner and even spend some quiet time just looking at the scholl scenery during night time. It was always calming to look at the lozano hall with millions of sparkly stars as its background. Kakamiss...

Kakamiss and GCEB days, Kakamiss and history play practice, Kakamiss ang mga peaceful paho-pigging out moments, ang sekyu, ang mga dagyang-dagyang sa football field, and kabit-kabit sa may tennis court, ang tambay moments sa SILAK mushroom, ang marco-polo sa LTA, and uncomfy PE classes sa audi, ang reflective moments sa GCEB rooftop, ang mga jamming sessions sa VA tambayan, ang kumos-kumos lunch sa APO/LFS tambayan...gawd, I even miss the brownout moments sa dorm (where all dormers would vacate the building and study outside because SURPRISE! may kuryente ya sa campus street lights. -_-' ) Hay... hehe... I suddenly feel so OLD....T_T

Four years have passed na pala... hehe... Have I been wiser? stronger? better? Hmm... I'm not really sure. I had my share of up and downs (and super downs) but I guess... what can't kill you makes you stronger right? With all those challenges I have faced, I must have learned something from each of them. I might not have faced it exactly the right way...but I'm still here. Living. Smiling. Reminiscing.

So I was thinking...

2007-08-22T13:21:00.000+08:00

I was planning to study my time away after cost accounting classes. Somehow, that plan was thwarted right after I went back home and turned to my left. Before me shone an immaculate machine, I looked at it with longing eyes, felt the soft invisible tug that pulled me closer and closer to it, and I knew then that I was fated to push its button for the rest of the day... well, maybe just until my eye sight get all dangerously fuzzy. (i CANNNOT afford to damage my eyes, especially when I'm spending lots of heavy duty all-nighter cramming these days. grr.) In short, nagcompyuter naman ko.

Gawd... how long has it been since I've written anything (except senseless doodles that form into what they call 'numbers')? It feels like my writing brains cells are all dry and rusty. I should have used them from time to time. But I didn't. I guess, I'd always be the same old UBER tamad Bambam. I've always wanted to change. I remember that everytime I start my written journal after a long hiatus, my first entires will always be about change. I guess, I've always wanted to be somebody different. I don't exactly know who I am right now but so far...I'm not liking what I see. I guess, like anybody in the world, I'm wanting more out of life. I guess, that's who I really am: somebody who will never be contented of who she is. I guess... a lot of things do I.... -_-'

Actually, wala lang gid ko ya may mahambal. wehehehe. Kalilingaw lang mag type-type after a long time ba. Seeing the words I'm forming with just some minimal pushing efforts...haha, so shallow, but it amazes me. WORD. WORD. I AM TYPING. PUSH THIS BLACK KEYBOARD BUTTON. PUSH PUSh. (ay shet, naggamay ang H) PPPPOOOOOOOOSSSHHH...... Ahahahahahahaha.... kalilingaw gid ya!!!!! Hmmm... ngaa... gina-italicized ko ya ang mga ilonggo parts man? as if. -_-

Ok, the truth is. I'm bored. There, I said it.

AH LINTE I'M BORED. There, better. hehe.

~0~

Nakapamus-on na ko and pangihi dal-a pa panilhig and yet, I'm still bored. -_- Lintugas, anu himuon ko man... di naman ko gusto mag youtube. Linti, amu lang napirmi gina himu ko. Kasuluka na. I usually get stuck watching random videos of anything from the smart ones to the mundane for HOURS. And gin dako ku guid na ang HOURS kay last time, I started watching 6pm and the next time I saw the clock, it was 6 AM already. Gaga, shonga-shonga, boba-boba-boba gid ko. -_- So.... AYOKO NA. I'm declaring a cool off between me and you tube. hehe.

....but what the hell am I gonna do now? :-(

I guess... I'd have to revert back to my highschool self (way back then when I was so much smarter and articulate. Right now, I'm as articulate as that singing egyptian mau in youtube. ack, you tube again!). Hmmm... if I was the bambam then, and I have extra time which I know i have to spend studying my lessons but have the urge to throw all my senses away in the air and just goof off on-line instead, what would I do...?

hmmm...the old me would be......

writing a story! right right right right!!!

What story now.... hmm... guess I'll just have to let my mind and hands take over and see what's gonna happen!

~0~

The Story

"I have been waiting for you. What took you so long?"

That was the first thing she said to me after 400 years of death, her death, yet all I could do was heave a heavy sigh and awkwardly smile back at her. She had been waiting for me for4 decades. I've kept her waiting in a dark empty space between existence and the void and all I could do was...say nothing.

I made her wait for 5 minutes more as I was gathering what's left of my vocabularies. Funny how my brain could betray me in an instant. I wonder where those memorized lines went. 400 years of practicing those lines and just when I needed it... nothing. I guess I've buried it too deep in the crevices of my mind that in the end, I couldn't dig it up anymore. Funny. I chuckled. 3 minutes.

I swallowed minute gulps of saliva and tried to wet my lips but couldn't move my tongue. Strange. I'm just noticing now how ridiculously cold it is here. The icy droplets of water hitting my skin feels like needles piercing every part of my half frozen body. Ridiculous how I still can feel every droplet hit and slide my body. I thought, I should be numb right now. An equally cold gush of wind passed through me as if pulling my straying mind back to my chilly disposition. I shook my head softly. 2 minutes.

I cleared my throat and said, "Well, we're here now."

I gave my friends behind me a knowing look and they gave me back the same awkward smile I did 5 minutes ago. Awkward. Maybe all smiles have been awkward for me back then. After all, it had been 400 years since I did one.

I turned and looked at her again and smiled. An honest smile. I didn't take it off me as she was slowly approaching. She had the same smile. And I thought, maybe it wasn't awkward at all. Just new. I could get used to this again.

2 minutes.

7 minutes all in all.

~0~

And just like the same old me... I'll stop that story there. wehehehehe. I think I'm gonna sleep now. zzzzzzz

Another Rainy Night

2007-07-12T19:54:00.000+08:00

Every drop of the rain, I can hear... and it's so weird...

I used to love rain. I used to look at it as a symbol of hope... something that gives life to the earth. I used to believe that it washed away all the dirty things in the world, the sins of neglect by mankind.

But now... as I stare outside my window... I can't help but feel heavy. It's as if the world is crying and begging for help and knowing that nobody can hear the plea no matter what. I feel so guilty not being able to do anything at all... I hope it'll stop.

smart bro in dorm? why not?!

2007-06-17T17:50:00.000+08:00

Yay! Papa has given me the 'go' signal to install smart bro in my dorm! yay yay yay!!!! That'd mean.... UNLIMITED INTERNET ACCESS day in day out baybeh!!!! :D hehe... I wanted to share something a while ago but when papa called me and made me do some errands and stuffs... I lost taste of writing anything at all... hehe... oh well....

BTW... my sis will have a blogspot soon and she's asking me to help spread the good news since it's not gonna be your usual blogspot daw... Not really sure what she means but she's my sister so Ima support her! and since you're my friends.... PLEASE SUPOORT HER TOO. ahahahhahaha. :D

I love you guys and I miss you so darn much! Can't help but keep on thinking bout us...and Thailand. haha. Figure that. :P

Ciao!

Cansi, Balut at iba pa....

2007-05-08T21:48:00.001+08:00

Cansi
Balut
Strawberry Shortcake
Choco Caramel Cake
Mango iced Box Cake
Fruit Punch
Italian dish (pesto)
Italian dish (bacon-y pasta)
Garlic Bread
Pancit Molo
Spaghetti with meatballs
and other cafe in goodies
Iced tea
Black Out cake
California Maki
Yakiniku
Japanese Misuno Rice
EBI (ok we didn't get that one...)
Strawberry...
Chocolate...
and Vanilla Ice Cream
French Fries
Depot Fried Chicken
Quail eggs
Watermelons
Singkamas
Sawsawan
some more iced tea...
and did I say, Cansi and Balut?

My friends and I have been eating non-stop for almost 7 days now. We're getting FAT at an alarming rate that we even named our tummies already... (BLOHNGBLOHNG, blongy and Blongshy) This has got to stop somehow yet... everytime we do eat, it's like we're in this happy place where nothing matters but our friendship... and the big lump of foody goodness we're facing... it's something like an exclusive nirvana where body conscious adults can never be able to get into... And you know what? I actually don't wanna end it anytime soon. If this is the greatest way for us to REALLY bond then...I'd be happy to be fat ALL MY LIFE. Ah yes, exclusive nirvana... you don't get that everyday. But now with my friends, I do. haha.

Yaaaayyyyyy.....

2007-05-04T02:30:00.000+08:00

Lotsa things happening this summer... It's going to be a very interesting year after all. ^_^

Glad to be back!!!!

Cussie

2007-04-24T18:11:00.000+08:00

Meet CUSSIE.

He's now gone....T_T

Fuck Pigsa

2007-04-20T09:42:00.000+08:00

Kill me now.

I've been sick for the past 5 days already... but my usual ailments (low platelet count, 40 degree fever, coughing. etc) are nothing now since i get them all the time anyway... what really blows iS this FREAKISHLY ANNOYING NASTY PIGSA... God, it hurts like hell....huhu...

Pigsa or boils or (if you prefer the , um, more local/eeeky version) UYAPOS are skin abscesses caused by the inflammation of hair follicles thus resulting to the localized formation of PUS (huhu...) and dead skin tissues. It's freakishly painful especially the part where there isn't any hole in that 'malambot' part (pus' headquarters) of the pigsa yet and that it's still growing... that's where the afflicted area (the reddish painful parts) gets really big... i have one now that's on that stage and the afflicted area is ridiculously BIG... think... my entire arm.... huhu.... i can't even move it. I need somebody to hold up the cup for me just so i can have a decent spill-free drink...damn this. It would have been fine if it's only one but both arms are infected... good thing my right arm can move now. Or else i wouldn't even have the ability to type and scratch my butt or something... fuck pigsa.

These pigsa days have taught me several valuable lessons, though. So lo and behold... for you guys who will have pigsa later on in life (yes you will have it! there is no escape!!!), here are some tips to help you get through your own pigsa days...

1. always drink water. (i actually don't know if this really works but i've been very thirsty since i had my pigsa in the arms... or maybe it's just because i'm aware that i can not move my arm so i can not drink and this awareness of my inability to hold a cup makes me wanna drink more water... yes, yes, maybe it's that... so let's cancel this one.)

Tips...

(REAL ) You can self administer the removal of your pigsa. But make sure that the malambot part ( it's usually at the center) are really soft and whitish already... hinog na ba... it's easier to get the, um, 'mata-mata'. i'm not exactly sure what this mata-mata is but.... it's this semi-solid material that if you get it off the afflicted area... will bring you complete relief. yey.
To make the pigsa mature and hinog faster, it helps if you apply hot compress on the afflicted area. This brings more blood to the area which means there'd be more white blood cells and so... mega pus formation galore!!!
applying ointment that has 'petrolatum' and antiseptic is okay too.... but it seems to make your pigsa grow scarily big... but yeah, it works. it just has a funky smell though. yep, petroleum...
It's handy if you carry with you a roll of clean white tissue and a garbage plastic all the time... you never know when the pigsa might pop!
It's handier if you have a 'pigsa towel' (plain towel) with you. It's be less nasty if you have ointment applied in your pigsa... your mom won't have to kill you too for destroying her immaculate sofa covers...
It's handiEST if you have both. mwahaha....
I dunno why but it hurts when plain tap water hits my afflicted areas. Nevertheless, don't skip taking a bath!!!!! If you will, you'd smell like a lethal combination of ointment and vagina or vagino (if you're a guy. haha). It's lethal alright. And not just for you.
It's not surprising if you get a fever because of this pigsa (in my case i already had the fever and THEN came the pigsa). When the happens though, go to your doc. Your pigsa might need professional extraction. (aka surgery!)

hmmm.... I might need a professional extraction myself.... huhu... I just hope these little guys will heal now... I just want my old non-immobile arms back... I swear, if I'm healed... I'm never taking for granted this lanky arms again. Ever.... :( (please god listen to me, never i say never!!!)

Destined, a story

2007-04-04T11:02:00.000+08:00

The Book:

I found mine in a book. It was given by a strange person whom I met right after I left my place as a chronicler. I never saw his face and he wouldn’t show it anyway. We talked about usual things but I knew he was different somehow. He kept on mentioning unfamiliar things and honestly, I was quite vexed. I didn’t know what he was talking about and after listening for about an hour or so, I asked him about everything he said. And that set us out to stranger conversations. He talked about angels, portals, magical orbs and people who controlled the elements. I was clueless.

Finally, he handed me a book and told me that I have to read it to understand everything. He spoke of wise things and about discovering the ‘truth’. I can see he was very serious and for a moment I thought he’d shake me for I was beginning to get really tired of him. He forced me though. So I ended up going home with a book and a confused mind.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. I still can’t get over with that strange faceless outsider and his strange propaganda. So after tossing and turning, I decided to read the book myself. That’s how everything started.

The book took me to a very different world where lights shine the brightest during nighttime and where strange machines that could make people fly existed. It’s a place where people could live high up in the skies and people spoke in different languages. It was called ‘The 6th Dimension of Eleezyienne’. Of course, I was intrigued.

Destined, a story

2007-04-01T21:19:00.000+08:00

DESTINED
By: The Chronicler

From The Chronicler’s Memoir

Destiny:

It’s a funny thing, that destiny. You don’t know what it is, when it is happening, how it was made, or what it’s for. You just know it’s there. Tricky. It kind of reminds me of my great grandma.

They said she was very famous, a darling of a city, the source of envy of all girls, a passionate actress, a compassionate mother, a dutiful wife. She’s everything a man has ever dreamed of a woman. If only it’s true. I never really knew her, even my mother doesn’t know her, and my mother’s sisters, and my mother’s sisters’ husbands, or my mother’s sisters’ husbands’ mothers. Come to think of it, nobody really knew her. Everything about her is either heard from that somebody who everybody knew existed but never met, or made up. I don’t know who she is, when she lived, how she lived her life, or what she was. But I knew she existed.
I didn’t know a lot about things. I didn’t know that people can wash away their scabs by just taking a bath, or that cats hate dogs, or that the rainbow has no end, or how I was made. I was an ignorant fool of a schoolboy. I didn’t know what was happening to the world or it’s entire history for that matter. Maybe that’s why I became a chronicler.

I wanted to know everything there is to know about everything. I wanted to know who married who, or who killed who, or who’s child is who, or who’s in a war against who, or why that who is bothering the other who. I just wanted to know everything. I was voracious for information about the world. I was like a sponge absorbing the brains of every outsider that entered the village.

And after a while, I thought I knew about everything. I was the smartest among my people. I was like the information head, ask me about anything and I’d tell you a thing or two. I knew every places in the world even those I never visited. I knew every king and every prince and every former king. I even memorized the name of their queens and the number of their bastards and their favorite food. I knew what was happening in every place. I knew about the war in the north and the war in the south. So, I didn’t need anything.

I was wrong of course, so wrong.
I never thought that I was slowly closing my mind from the truth by feeding it with facts. I thought I have reached my goal but it turned out that I was taking myself farther from it. When I finally realized it, it was too late. I was nearing the peak of my life and was slowly being devoured by age and time. However, by some unknown force of some sort, I managed to hang on and experience things I never thought I’d do. And even though my body was failing me and my systems were close to being useless, I felt strangely young.

That’s how destiny works.

V-Day

2007-02-14T22:14:00.000+08:00

It was a great day...

...then why did I cry in the end?

*sigh*

my purpose

2007-01-22T17:02:00.000+08:00

I was in 5th grade when I wrote my first 'philosophical' musing. I remember it was something about the 'uniqueness' of somebody's thoughts. "even if everyone is thinking the same thing, it's never really is exactly the same. the fact that it's not them but YOU thinking it makes all the difference in the world." Ok,ok...maybe it wasn't really THAT philosophical (and aren't really in those exact wordings too but that's the point anyway,hehe) nevertheless, it drove me to start thinking about everything else but myself. Particularly, it made me think about other's people thoughts... I was always wondering how people would react to something so generic as a,well, a rock maybe. Or the sky. or a falling leaf. I remember having this game of looking at somebody and trying to guess what he/she is thinking at that exact moment. I'd look at a pregnant woman and wonder if she's worrying about her abnormally big tummy; I'd look at a taxi driver and try to think of anyone of those taxi-driver-friendly topics (the soaring gas prices or his kid he left at home, probably); I'd look at a guy looking straight at me and ask myself, "Is he also wondering if I'm thinking about him too?" I've always been interested with other people and it never fails to amaze me how complex one's life and thoughts can be. If I were given all the time in the world, I'd probably spend it asking every one their life's story. That's how lame I can get. Haha.

I don't really know why I wrote this. Maybe I'm hoping that somebody thinks the same way as I do too. It's very depressing to find out that a lot of people spend most of their time worrying about trivial things in their own life. Like their hair, face, prom dress, that great leather shoes that would go perfectly with their outfit, their accounting homeworks, their nails, their guts. And if they do notice somebody else, it's usually because there's something wrong or physically extraordinary (good or bad) in that person. Are there only a few left who looks at a person and actually appreciate that person not because of his/her gorgeous smile, or perculiar shirt, or carzy brilliant ideas but merely because of his/her existence?

Wouldn't it be nice to know that you're appreciated by that strange observer across the road simply because you're part of this world and that you just actually... exist?

PING

2006-07-16T19:09:00.000+08:00

I am not dead. not yet.

After a gazillion years later, I'm back again. I'll probably be gone for a while after this but oh well. Life has been busy and my mind? Busier. I haven't had any time for those liberating thoughts I usually have between 10 to 12 pm. I haven't even updated my diary for-god knows how long already. Oh well. Enough of that.

THIS is different. I usually have generic unspontaneous thoughts nowadays. Unspecial. Common. The usual (eg. school, extra-corricular activities, HIM, school, and more school). But once in a while, you hear that PING in your head. PING. And it changes everything. PING. And then I'm back to reality. back to where i started, where I'm supposed to be.

Then I realize-PING-I shouldn't be worrying about superficial stuffs like school and that damn subject I can never pass. There's a reason why I'm here and isn't 'to fret about anything' at all. There's nothing really to worry about because as long as I am a living breathing human being, everything is possible.

Yes, -PING- everything IS possible. People tend to forget that. And well, lots of them have. There is a beautiful universal truth governing all of us and that is TRUTH itself. PING. There's a bit of truth in everything. Even in lies. Religion, mysticism, science, agnostic theories...There's an inch of truth in them. That's the reason why all of them exist.

I dunno where I'm going with this but -PING- it's different. and familiar. and it warms the very core of my soul. How could I forget? Why do I keep on forgetting? PING.

PING. PING. PING. PING. PING. PING. PING.

Ah. Bliss. basta.

Resurrection

2006-05-09T12:55:00.000+08:00

That was a long hiatus.

But I'm back now! Wee... (as if may ga basa gid di. nyahnyah.) I wish I had my own internet connection in the dorm. I'd be able to update this blog everyday by then! Woe is me though. There isn't even a phone connection there... ow wait, yes there is but I never got to find out where they place it. Bah.

I came here to talk about a very important topic. My summer.

I've realized a lot of things these past days mainly because, well, I had all the time for realizations. I do nothing but think. Well, maybe eat, sleep and watch tv... but those are your staple to-do things in your average life anyway, that don't count. Anyway, I've been thinking and thinking and I have come to the ultimate conclusion, the obvious realization, that DAMN, I SUCK.

Here's the list.

10 REASONS WHY I SUCK:

1. I do nothing useful. And I have lost my ability to do anything useful.
2. I have forgotten 80% of my piano pieces.
3. I have become a computer illiterate caveman.
4. I have lost sight of my priorities.
5. I haven't reviewed anything for my BA classes.
6. I give in to my laziness.
7. I can not speak fluent English anymore.
8. I still can not speak tagalog.
9. I have become hopelessly irritable.
10. I do nothing for my inadequencies.

Oh and I tire a lot too. And I'm tired now. Im gonna stop this.

Tired.

2005-11-07T20:03:00.000+08:00

I haven't eaten any dinner for 3 consecutive days now. And I'm having problems of sleeping.And I worry way too much about the Council's problem and the Batch.

I just want to stop. But I can't.

I don't know why I won't. I'm not complaining. I'm just genuinely tired and second sem hasn't even started yet. I need energy boosters. Something to make me happy, anything! I need refuge. I wish to lie down, for once, and think of absolutely NOTHING. Nothing about anyone. Not even myself. I need a break. I need more than a break. I need total shut down. I need to breathe. I need to stop pushing. I want to be pushed. Guided. Accompanied. I want to get lost under the sheets of my bed. I need to hug. to kiss. to shout. to laugh. to cry. to smile. a genuine smile this time. I need support. Reassurance that everything will be fine. I need help.

quizzzie

2005-11-06T19:57:00.000+08:00

Blue Panties, you're reserved, and maybe a little
bit depressed...

What kind of panties do you have? (with pictures ^.^)
brought to you by

Random Musings

2005-11-06T18:06:00.000+08:00

I FOUND MY PREVIOUS BLOG! (weeeeeeee)

I love reading my previous diary entries. I find them all funny, even the supposed to be dramatic ones...Here's one of my previous post. It's written when I was in HS and doesn't make any sense at all.

Friday, April 18, 2003
DESTINY…?
I know I’m destined for something.
But I can’t quite get what it is. Am I destined for something so great that’ll probably change the whole course of history? Or am I heading to something so insignificant that nobody won’t even notice what I was for? Or am I weirdly destined to do a whole bunch of insignificant things but if put together will result into something so essential that it gets so important people won’t even know it’s there? Err… Am I making any sense?
I don’t know, but that makes me think a lot about stuffs.
Whenever I draw any conclusions, a whole bunch of questions will come up. For example, what if I was destined to heal people? Pretty simple…But then I will have to wonder stuffs like, ‘How will I heal them? What kind of healing will I provide? Will I be a doctor and heal people physically? Or one of those spiritual healers?’
And it will extend to more idiotic questions like, ‘Will I be happy then if I do that? Will people appreciate my work? Will I be always there for them even at times when I’m not suppose to?’
And further to queries like, ‘Will I meet my husband during that period? Will I get to heal the president too? Will I have a big income or none at all?’
And then further to things like, ‘How would one know he was destined for something to heal anyway? Is there some outside force that’ll mysteriously move you to do impossible feats to reach your destiny? Will there be a mystical voice telling us what to do and how to do things?’
And eventually I’d go back to the question: “What am I destined for?” * sigh * I don’t know…
Gyah. Life is indeed full of mysteries. I remember someone telling me that only 10% of life is known, the rest are mysteries. Love is a mystery too. And while I’m probably just some confused little girl wondering about weird stuffs, but one thing I know is for sure.
I know I’m destined for something.
OH MAN…(-_-)‘

aaaahhh.... Highschool... I miss those days... Those were carefree times when you never had to study for a quiz yet you ace them just like that. aahhh... It's never like that now. Woe is me.

Highschool was a blast. Our group was never ordinary. We did stuffs teens our age then wouldn't do (Don't think bad... it's nothing like that. Heh), instead of chatting about boys and the likes, we buried ourselves to philosophical thoughts and wonders of the great unknown, we composed songs, sang them till we drop and did everything together, from studying tolosing weight... ah, sweet sweet memories...

Wish I could revisit them.
~0~
I made cheesecakes for Mitch and Paul. I dunno why... And for the entire time I made them, I didn't stop wishing they would at least *like* it. I wasn't able to bring it though. Maybe I was embarrassed? (-_-)
~0~
Thoughts For the Day:
a. Why do people think saints are supposed to be worshipped? Na-uh! They're just rolemodels. PEOPLE we could look up to and inspire us to be better.
b. I hate it when people (strangers) call me 'day (short for inday).
c. Why do old folks think they can always order you around anytime?
d. why do some parents get too strict of their children? Have they forgotten that their kids are actually INTELLIGENT THINKING beings? geez.
e. I think Mitch still likes Noe eventhough she curses him almost everyday.
f. Why didn't I bring the damn cheesecake????!!!!
g. I LOVE KARAOKE.

Ciao.

FART FACTS: The average man's daily fart is enough to blow up a regular party balloon. wanna try?

Fartology! Wee!!!

2005-11-05T14:05:00.000+08:00

Long time no blog... Damn PCs... I think I'm a total jinx to any techie stuffs. They just get busted for no apparent reason when it's my time to use 'em. Hate it hate it hate it. Oh well.

No deep thoughts for today (was ther any?). I wanted to blog about philo stuffs and about the mysteries of life and all that mind-boggling topics I usually blab nonstop about but I just can't seem to squeeze anything from my head. So instead, I'm just going to talk about something I feel very passionate about. FARTS.

Yes, farts. i love farting. The satisfaction you get from releasing that gas from your digestive colon is absolutely unparalleled especially if it's a good one. And what is a good fart you say? Juicy. Big. Explosive. without lump accidents of course. Ahhh.... I love to talk about farts because it's something that everybody can relate to. Everybody farts. And it's funny and very entertaining. I just can't understand why people treat it as a taboo or something. Pathetic. People should talk more often about fart and farting. It's definitely more harmless than say, sex...?

Oh shoot... I gotta go. Piano lessons. To be continued....

FART FACTS: Vegetarians fart more often than carnivores. Plus they have smellier and quieter farts. (more fart facts next time!)

Alive but hardly kicking

2005-10-03T20:26:00.000+08:00

... hehe... that's gotta be the corniest blog title I've ever made... oh well... but that's what I am now. Corny. It's strange though how I've come to be so comfortable with that thought.

I have changed. Not so much but I've felt a significant part of me slowly disappearing... no transforming into something I never thought I could be. For one thing, I've become musically dull... Before, there wasn't a single day spent without me belting out songs until I felt like puking my lungs out already but now... I was terrified to have realized that I spent almost 2 days... TWO DAYS... not humming a single tune... scary... what's worse is that I didn't even feel it. (it just occured to me when i sang some christmas songs with Jath a while ago and my throat felt all weird and shaky....)

Here's some more:
1. Before: used to play the guitar daily; Now: Guitar? what guitar?
2. Before: used to write on my diary daily; Now: Try once a week. Maybe twice.
3. Before: Used to write stories about my classmates and people that I love. ; Now: I don't even have time to write on the diary...so much more for that.
4. Before: Used to eat veggies two meals a day; Now: fasfood is a staple.
5. Before: Used to read the bible daily, pray the rosary and offer prayings; Now: I just talk to God before I sleep and after I wake up...and that's not even daily. =(
6. Before: used to attend mass regularly ; Now: ...and this is Bad... two sundays a month! huhuhu...
7. Before: Used to care for my physical health a lot; Now: F***k medicines, I don't need them.
8. Before: used to have asthma attack at most, once a week; Now: Asthma Attack -- at LEAST 4 times a week...
9. Before: Used to study a minimum of 4 hours a day. ; Now: two hours isn't so bad... right?
10. Before: used to wegh less than 100lbs; Now: Don't even ask.

... There's too much to mention and I'm getting depressed whenever I realize how badly I've turned out to be now. Hay, I know I'm suppose to be better as time goes by but... I just can't believe how hard THAT is to do...

bad. I have to change for the better. And I've gotta change NOW.

2005-07-14T12:20:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

nyehehehehe.... really...

sa CL 1

2005-07-14T11:27:00.000+08:00

Location: CL 1 (Computer Lab)
Subject: BA 183.1
Teacher: Ma'am Pie
Time: 11:20
What I'm supposed to do: Finish resume and type articles
What I'm actually doing: Surfing the net and updating my blog
Why I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do: I forgot to bring my articles to class.
Plan of Action: Wait till the class ends and hope Ma'am pie won't see me...

~0~

I have become a bad student. Not that I've been that good before, but I know I was better then. I have lost my enthusiasm to learn. I have foun no more reasons why I should pursue what I'm taking up now. And it sucks.

Personal Check.

I am an accountancy student. I study transactions in business. I analyze, record, summarize and post all the data I get from these transactions. I sit at my place, stationary for 5 hours solving problems and getting my fingers bruised by pushing the calcu non-stop. Basically, that's just what I do. And that's what I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

I should be...

an art student. or a student-teacher. a junior archeologist. an aspiring theatre actress. a comedienne. a musician. a director. a designer. of clothes. of houses. of gardens. a philosopher. a journalist. or a novelist. a dreamer.

but I'm not.

what do I want?

Anything but this.

CMSC

2005-06-17T12:21:00.000+08:00

Well. It's official. I am now a mmeber of the UPV College of Management Student Council. And how's everything? HELL. Ok, maybe an overstatement but I tell you, I've never been this busy in my life. But hey... I'm actually liking it...
I don't know but I love working. I love the feeling of having accomplished something not only for my own good but for the good of a larger lot. It's such a noble thing to do and I'm absolutely addicted to it... hehe.... I'm just not so sure if my body can handle it though. I'm skipping meals in an alarming rate and although I'm not feeling it I know there's some nasty things going on inside my guts.... eeeeekkkk....
shoot. have to go. still have work....

My Thoughts

2005-06-01T11:05:00.000+08:00

*sigh* Haaayyy... Less than 24 hours and I'm officially starting my first sem. Classes start on June 13 but I have to be in Ilo-ilo tomorrow to set up the school and on next week, I'll be helping with the enrollment and everything. Yeah, it seriously sucks but as Nong Ged (our Chairperson) "Sacrifices are part of leadership".

What a summer. Practically nothing happened. Well, I had dance classes and there was the trip to Sipalay but aside from that... nada. I even forgot it was my birthday if it wouldn't for manong's classic midnight Happy Birthday greeting. I really wanted to spend my birthday at the MIssionaries of Charity Orphanage... but according to my father, "You should help your relatives first before you help other people." So I ended up pigging out with my cousins who was only too eager to leave as soon as they finished stacking their mouths with food. I mentioned this to mom and she said maybe we could do it on HER birthday (june 4). So I'm hoping everything's going to turn out right.

The only good thing that happened was the lunch I had with the Z's. Although Kat wasn'r able to attend, I still had a blast with Joy and Liz. It was especially nice to see Joy B again. I wrote her a letter that day and well, I hope it helped our friendship. I wish Mika was there. It would have been so much fun. But hey, at least everybody was contented.

So now I'm suffering from post-birthday depression. I don't know if other people experience this but every after my birthday, I always have this sucky feeling of being 'not-enough' as if I've totally wasted a whole year of chances. Guilt, confusion and sadness would painfully seep in and, well, it just sucks. Maybe it's because I'm just so much of an over-achiever, or because I'm kinda paranoid. I don't know... Maybe because it's true... Anyway, there's always nothing to do about it. What's done is done. I'll just have to whck my senses and walk straight for th rest of the journey.

~0~

Thoughts I Had...

1. On My Birthday- it wasn't the perfect debut (or a debut per se at all) but it went out fine. It was practical and I helped save money (which I seldom do). Beside, I don't believe in lavish all-dolled up parties. Totally useless and meaningless.

2. On Manong Bong- Once I thought he'd change if he'd become Labay's gov, and now... of course, I was wrong. The only thing that changed was his hair (it's almost gone). Beyond that, nothing. He's the same old lazy-ass I know. I can not believe how lazy that guy is. He completely wastes his time doing nothing and moving incredibly slow. I am amazed how that guy can survive living alone.

3. Ate Lorraine's Birthday- I didn't get to greet her. Lorraine is manong's best friend in high school and although, we only got to meet once (and for a short time), I would never ever forget her. Me and my little bro had a blast talking with her and her chubby friend. She was really nice and really cool, too. I remember it was the day before we were living for US and when she heard we were coming to Manila, she immediately visited us in the hotel. And when we had to finally go, she made a promise to meet me and manong Bong as soon as we get back. The rest is history. (We nearly didn't get to return) From then on, I never failed to keep in touch with her. Anyway, I lost her cell phone number last month and when I asked my manong Bong, I found out that he had erased it. Tsk tsk tsk. I've heard they haven't talked for a while now. It's sad. They were really good friends, I could see that. I was really happy for them. I guess, it's the physical distance that set them apart. saad... HAPPY BIRTHDAY na lang 'te Lor... wherevr you are. =(

4. CMSC Tsuvah- I got a hell lot of work ahead of me and it's not pretty. =( I'm full of deadline and the likes and I tell you, I'm not enjoying it at all. But hey, that's life! And although, mine's a hard one... i'm loving it to the max!!!! yea!

suicide

2005-04-24T13:06:00.000+08:00

I don't really know what to write in here. So much has happened and frankly it'll be useless to confide them all to this blog. So, i guess i'll just have to blab about disorganized stuffs that had been rotting in my brain for quite some time now.

SUICIDE. I don't know how big their problem is, how worse they are, or how depressed their lives are but I know for sure that these people who commit such acts are the biggest, bluntly speaking, chickenshit in the whole world. Not to mention immoral and stupid. I honestly don't get their logic. How can this in any way be an answer to all of their problems? Aren't problems supposed to be faced, dealt with in full concentration, rationalized? And if their only answer is suicide, then I wonder how much rationalizing was done...I don't think there even was one.

As a catholic, I strongly believe that no man has the right to take one's life, even if it's his own. God has that lone right. I wonder if those millions of catholic who die in their own hands yearly had ever thought of that? Really, there's no room for pity for these people. I may be too harsh but I do think that people who die of suicide don't deserve remorse, blessings, last rites or anything that could somehow vindicate (even in the most superstitious way) them in heaven.

And this goes out to those who contemplate on the act, too. ka-stupid gid ya. Anu gid na ka dako ang problema mo na patyun mu guid kaugalingon mu haw? Mahuya ka man, mahuya ka sa mga tawo na maslala pa guid ila sitwasyon pro gapanghibudlay pra maka-ahon, mahuya ka sa mga parents mu na nanghibudlay para buhi-on ka, mahuya ka sa diyos ta na nagpahulam lang sa imu sang kabuhi mu subong. mahuya ka man bi. So if you're thinking about it, DON'T! just even thinking about it already makes you a pathetic person.

(to be continued)

PART 2...

2005-03-03T15:33:00.000+08:00

OK, I'm back!

I'm having a so-so week... so what's life like after the election? pretty ordinary... only that I'm more careful in doing stuffs... you never know who's watching you... hehe, daw ka paranoid no? but seriously... nakaka paranoid man guid... it's like you suddenly find yourself in this big open space where the spotlight's on you 24/7 and it seems that you have nobody with you... yeah, you've got friends... but it's like, you only see them but you can't actually feel their presence... eeee.... but as I've said I've no regrets.

I know it's going to be one hell of a work but I'm ready for it. I'm even kind of excited. Although I've seen how stressful the work of a batchrep can get (you should see ROY everyday...he almost does nothing but work) I still can believe na kaya ko ni. The newly elected officers would be meeting more frequently these next few weeks and we'd be discussing issues for the next year. And Manong Ged's planning to hold a 'bonding' time with us... I can't wait! I really think the next student council's gonna be great. They're truly the best bunch CM could offer. You should here us every meeting... ideas are just flowing everywhere... everybody's got something to say and their ideas are truly smart... I'm truly lucky to be part of them.

Anyway, I'm having a problem with budgeting my money... Last week, I swear I must have spent about Php5000... sheesh... and that's for Mae's debut alone... I know i know.. I AM stupid... but I've always kind of 'extravagant' when it comes to my friends... I remember Mika asking me once why I gave so much to JOY and KAT and well... I've never really answered her yet... and I dunno how... I guess, when I love somebody I tend to shower that person with so much material things...I know it's tackless but oh well... that's me. I do want to change...I'm not just sure how...I better save up... I'm starting to feel ashamed asking my parents for money... eeee....

Now about Hinahanap-hanap Kita (HHK)... guess what? I'm actually having real conversations with him!!! no kidding! Plus, I can actually look him in the eyes now... yey! =) I remember being so shy that I would hide myself whenever I see him... eventhough if he's 15 meters away. It's not much but I'm kinda contented now... I definitely know now how ROY feels...(long story na gle about roy...) Just in case Roy could be reading this, I just want him to know that I'm really happy he's experiencing what he's experiencing now... hehe. I admire him for being so brave and for not being afraid to shout out to the world how he's so in love... I wish I could do the same too.... I like ROY because he's not scared of staying true to himself... If more people could have been like roy, then maybe this world would be a much better place... wait... or maybe not.. hehe.. kidding... Roy is a unique entity of the world, a rare blessing, and wala na makapantay sa iya, pramis.

FYI, Roy is our current batch rep gali and although ang amun personality doesn't really match (he's so BIBO and I'm kinda shy...), I still think we could be great frineds.... =)

Nagdaog ako... (i won)

2005-02-19T17:28:00.000+08:00

I won. After a week of hard work, sleepless nights, and stress, I won. After 2 days of having constant nervous breakdown, nonstop praying, and dinnerless nights... I won.

And I'm not quite sure if I'm really happy or not.... Don't get me wrong, I badly want this position and I am soooo ready for it... it's just that... well... kung kay spiderman pa... 'with great power comes greater responsibitlities'. hehe. It's just that, I guess I'm scared. I'm scared of having greater responsibilities, scared of disappointing people who gave their trust... scared of being myself. I know I can do this... it's just that I'm not sure if I can satisfy what is expected of me.... I'm so scared.

Plus, I felt bad about some petty election issues. I've heard some people said I wasn't so impressive, like I was just a big joke. Hay, if they only knew what I had to go through just for that election. If I was a joke, then would I even have bothered myself spending sleepless nights just to formulate my GPOA? Would I have sacrificed my effort and studies just to campaign? Would I have worked my butt off just so that people can see how dedicated I am to this shit? But I guess they don't see that. All they see is just this stupid smiling face and my stupid jokes. Linte. Diputa. Bilatibay ya. And I'm deeply hurt by those people na nagpinilastik sa akon. Kanami patyun ah. I mean, if they won't vote me then they should have told me so sang sa gin paasa ko nila... mga chickenshit ah... AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH....

But I guess, I can't do anything. I'm just going to prove to them then that I am worth their every goddamn votes. I want those people who didn't vote me regret. I am going to be the best batch rep they're going to have. I'm not going to let them forget my term. I'll do my best and they could all eat their sorry little ass.

Aaahhhh... kanami mag pautwas ah... galing ka bad... =(

Anyway, I know I couldn't have done it without those people who supported me and helped me even if I didn't ask them to. So here's my thank you tsuvah:

1. I want to thank ROY (our batch rep) for believing in me, even when nobody else did... not even myself. He was responsible for all of this. When I first refused, he never gave up. Even when I already rejected his offer the second time around, he kept on persuading me... He never lost hope... and that's what makes him a great person. He supported and helped me all the way and honestly, I couldn't have won if it wasn't for him. He was always there encouraging me when all I wanted was to drop dead and shy away form the crowd. He felt for me and I'm almost ashamed I can only do so much for him. I want to show him how grateful I am, how indebted I am to him... I will never EVER forget this man... and ROY, I promise you now. You're not going to regret you chose me. I'm going to lead our batch the best way I know how. I'm truly going to make them THE BEST.

2. BLOCK A: I couldn't have done it without them. They're my secret weapon, almost my life support. They were there for me even before anybody trusted me. Before I was KAAKBAY, before I was anything else... I was Block A first and damn, this block rocks!!!! Thank you guyz!!! *mwah*

TO BE CONTINUED...

Life According To Me

2005-01-22T11:41:00.000+08:00

Life. Tabula Rasa they say. It has no beginning and no end. The Elixir of life is continuously working in each person. What comes with it though, is a mixture of good and evil. No definite lines between them. No clear separating marks. It’s an endless fusion of what is right or wrong. A surreal place where heaven and hell collides. In fact, there is NO heaven nor hell. There is no good or evil per se. Everything that governs the world, its lone principle, its only truth, is that there exist a substance that is capable of thought and existence. Inside it are thought particles revolving and revolving endlessly. They are lost in their movement and they begin to create an oasis of their own perception of the ultimate explanation of what they are and what they are in. Ideas are made and lost. Ideas are everything to them. As they think, they see. And as they see, they believe. Nothing can explain everything that’s going on inside that great force. Nothing can perceive anything. Because maybe, it was made to be the greatest illusion ever. The particles know nothing at all. They embark on an endless journey which is in truth, impossible. And those who seek to explain it ends up nowhere. For they do not understand that they themselves are particles and only live in ideas. As they go further in their journey for the truth, they are widening their movement and eventually straying away to the core of the force when in fact the truth of everything resides. They are lost. They think to much that they gradually lost sight of what’s beside them. It is the most important thing. It’s a tragic fact. They can do no more. The only sensible thing is to stop existing. Yet they can not because to not live is to stop being the particle. To be not a particle is to stop being inside the great force. Beyond that force however, is an unknowable existence. But they can not escape the great force. For as what was said, they are only thoughts. Everything are thoughts. The great force is just an ingenious thought. But escaping is not impossible. What happens to those who escapes are uncertain however. But that is why the movement of the particles are imperfect. That is the lone evidence. The particles are definite in quantity. Yet because some has escaped the force, it has become unstable resulting to the imperfection of their ideas. Some have escaped. But nobody knows where. The only hope is the realization that it is possible to escape. Stop being a thought and really exist. Really have the ultimate reality. Life.

***

wala lang magawa...

help =(

2005-01-16T15:49:00.000+08:00

i hate my first long exams... i so hate it... all my scores are highly unsatisfactory, ka-pathetic. it's irritating. but oh well. it's my fault anyway. i should have studied instead of wasting my time dozing off. grrrr.... GRRRRRR....

anyway, i've been chosen to run for batch rep and well, i dunno what to do. i suddenly find myself in a crossroad and i'm not quite sure which is the better choice. i've always wanted to make a difference. i know i have the capabilities to lead yet i dunno what's stoppin me. my entire highschool days were summed up being the ultimate wallflower. i wanted to run for a position but i never really knew why i didn't. maybe i WAS scared, maybe i was too tamad. the point is, it didn't happen and i regret it so.

now, i'm too sick and tired just staying at the sidelines. i want to be heard. i want to lead. i want to serve. i want to have a purpose. and i think i can achieve all that being the batch rep next year. problem is, there's one very important person stopping me from doing all that.

Me.

And i hate it. i dunno why, but whenever i come so close to realizing my goals, that's the time i have my doubts and start over analyzing everything. i really want to be the batch rep, but the thing is i'm not too sure if i can really be a GOOD one. i'm not sure if i can give my all to the job. my major subjects (which has a retention policy of a grade of 2.0) are starting next sem and i'm betting it'll take a huge chunk of my time. if i faulter just a bit and miss the targeted score, it's bye bye accountancy for me. if i do get a good score for my majors, my math subjects would be the other problem. i know i suck in math and there's really nothing i can do about it. it's not my fault i was born with genes allergic to numbers but the thing is, these past sem has been one hell of a seesaw ride for my math and i'm not sure if i could hold on much longer. grrr...

also, if i do decide to run then... it'd be total chaos for me next month. i could see it now, me having sleepless nights constructing and re-constructing over dramatic speeches...eeecchh... and frankly, i'm not too excited with that bit. plus, i've always been scared of losing. i'm not so sure if i could handle the pressure. and the defeat.

haayyy..... i dunno what to choose. should i say yes? or should i humbly (or chickenshittedly) decline? grrr.... choices choices. i've always figured out that whenever i find myself in a situation such as what i am in now, i would only listen to my inner voice. unfortunately, that voice isn't saying anything at all. grrr...

help. =(

~bambam

waste talks

2005-01-09T17:07:00.000+08:00

*NOTICE: this may be disturbing to some. basi ma turn off mga tawo sa akon. if you like me for what i am outside... don't read.

I have serious indigestion problems. yeeouch.

I'm in an internet cafe right now and GOD, i so want to poop. but, i dun wanna leave the place too... but if i should, what do i say? 'hey, can i hold this pc on stand by cuz i think my s*** is oozing right out of my a**'... nooo... =( i've been pressing the foot of my left right thumb like crazy and still it wants to go out. huhuhu... the pain...

but I'm probably disgusting you right now. yeah yeah, i know what you're thinking... shit talks aren't exactly the best topic in the world. people cringe on bringing out stinky oh-so-real subjects and well, they tend to avoid any conversation that has something to do with human shit. only half drunk men tend to use it in their bar room jokes nowadays.

so call me eekie and a bit freaky, but i'm actually very comfortable of talking about shit. i mean, it's one topic we can ALL relate to... hehe. [oh shoot... there it is again... lintik daw ma-tae na ako!!!] besides, what's the big deal? we all have it... plus, it's hilarious too... it's like saying the word 'puppy'. you can't help but smile. (or make weird faces, it depends). my friends never seem to understand why i always use it on my jokes or why i can say it so casually.... they just don't get it. it isn't some forbidden topic, you know. and i don't think it's so 'kahuluya' either.

ok ok... manners. of course, talking about shit needs the right timing. i mean, you have to know when to talk about it. blabbing about you and your age old battle with a stinking diarrhea ( called 'LUPOT' in hiligaynon. i've always liked saying that word. makes my lips go all pouty and cute. nyahahaha!) during lunch is digestive suicidal. some people have those weird instances of actually imagining the shit when it's mentioned and well, let's face it, doing THAT with a huge chunk of lechon adobo heading your mouth isn't pretty. there are some (like yours truly) who don't get affected but would rather eat food without thinking its wasted outcome. hehe.

i better stop. i guess i just have nothing to talk about. it just so happens that i'm about to shit. nyehehehehe. ok ok, i go on. can't control it anymore. must. release. tae. NOW.

PS: gapaminsar man kamu kung anu tsura ni catherine zeta jones na naga bun.a kay may tubol xa? gwapa man guro gyapon...

The age old draft

2004-12-22T13:41:00.000+08:00

Our internet connection has gone berserk again... woe is me. Guess it's back to the ol jam packed penguins... grrrr....

Here's my age old draft that I've been wanting to paste for such a long time now. I just didn't have the medium to do so.
~0~

well, my friends are here in bacolod and i guess, we're having a blast... however, i actually have no desire to talk about that. maybe because remembering all the things we did makes me think of FOOD. or maybe because there's just too much happenin' that i'm too tired to write it down. i dunno... and that last sentence sounded weird. hmm...

I dunno what happened to me. i seem to have lost my ability to write creatively, to construct GOOD narratives. It's like my brain has suddenly grown... dull. I've compared my diaries and i'm not liking what I see. I used to write stuffs that matter to me most, stuffs that I really think about but now... there's nothing but, well, shallow thoughts. Things that are so...useless. I've realized that I've concerned myself to the ordinary contrary to what I swore NOT to do before... sheesh.

I want to be different again... I used to be... then I tried to be ordinary. Now, i couldn't figure out who i am anymore. It's like i've blended too much with the crowd that i gradually lost my own identity. i lost my style, my ways, myself... i guess. It's frustrating. It's like i'm in this constant journey of knowing who i really am but in reality...there's really no exact answer. It's like i'm incapable to be my own self. I'm clueless. I do not know. And I hate it... i want to be my old self but... as time pass... i'm not so sure who that old self really is anymore...

~0~

I think he already knows. My friends says it's obvious... it's just weird.... I'm not really sure if i want him to know. A part of me says it's better but there's a huge chunk of my brain that says it's a big NO NO. weird..... grrr... maybe i do want him to know only that i'm too scared what his reactions would be. I bet he'd be disgusted. If I were at his place, i'd feel weird too... heck, i'm even disgusted with myself now. uurrghh...

I'm not very comfortable when i have those *kilig* moments. I feel like a complete teenage dope. daw ka inta sa akon. daw indi ako. ambot gani ah... anyway, I can't do anything about it. I'll just have to pray that it won't turn out to be one of those ridiculous long term admiration. sheesh. the thought of me living each day like a hopeless romantic is sickening. yeech... i have to snap out of it whether i like it or not... i just don't know how though...

anyway, i just want to know if he already knows!!! just one message will do, a sign, a premonition? whatever... just give me something... anything... baaahhh...

~0~

i still can't believe Jath gave us (the lost sheep) gifts... i mean, i knew there was a sweet guy somewhere in him... but i didn't really expect he'd show it to us... I've always figured out he liked being that 'cold-hearted' jath outside. anyway, i really appreciate what he gave us... it's not much but it just goes to show that he cared for us too and that our friendship means something to him... It feels really good to know that.

I received gifts from JP and Paul too... I don't know what they mean but I'm thankful somebody cared....

I've always thought JP hated me... I mean, he always found ways to irritate me... usually at Jath's expense. He'd always tease me to jath, implying that i couldn't live without my dinner buddy or spotting that me and jath were like inseparable. it's like he disliked me because i went out with jath everyday. sheesh. of course, i go out with jath. that's what 'dinner buddies' do i guess... i remembered JP used to be my dinner buddy before jath moved in the dorm.. i'm wondering if he could be jealous.

Nahhh.... i don't think so. anyway, i was just plain surprised... now i'm wondering if i should give something in return to them... i feel uncomfy receiving something maybe because i'm usually the gift giver... i dunno... oh well... that's that.

~0~

That's all folks! I wasn't actually able to finish this thing but there had been such a long gap that I eventually lost my line of thinking... bummer. Oh well again.

...haaayy....

2004-12-14T17:31:00.000+08:00

...haaayy....

I'm turning out to be a pathetic hopeless romantic... and I ain't liking it one bit...

I saw hinahanap-hanap kita in SM today and grr... it looks like I'm still not over him. I've been trying to forget this icky teenager-ish crush tsuva out of my system for quite a while now but ... haay... i guess it ain't working... I don't know why I'm treating this as a HUGE thing and I guess I AM overreacting for some instances but I can't blame myself, you know. I've tried to but I guess blaming your ass isn't gonna make things better. You'll just feel a lot shittier. I've also tried telling myself that this is all JUST a STUPID little crush but I dunno... the fact is...

I've never really had a REAL crush. I dunno know if that's really strange or abnormal but yeah, I've always thought admiring somebody at a surface is totally useless. And well... too mushy for me. Noe said I may be too immature for something like that but I dunno, I guess I've always figured out that I was too MATURE for something so immature as that... you get me? Anyway, I kinda realized later on that having a 'crush' (I still cringe at the word) may not be so bad. Beside, I didn't want to turn out as one of those colorless persons with ZERO 'lovelife' (do you even consider that as lovelife?). I mean, everyone I knew had somebody special already... even my bestfriend had francis!... and so, pathetic as this may sound, I decided to find myself an idol.

And now that I have one... I'm not too sure if it's a good thing... it's just that I realized that admiring somebody and not having anything back was, well, too much for me. I remember how 'happy' I was when I finally realized that i like the guy. School days weren't so dull anymore and my heart leapt whenever I saw him. I remember just enjoying the simple act of gawking at him or the unexplainable excitement of stealing glances whenever I passed him... (err... now it sounds corny...yeech). I felt great... but then... I think I admired too much. There even came a time when I wanted to shout his name just to notice me. I realized that I was being stupidly pathetic for no apparent reason and for nothing in return. I suddenly yearned for him to look my way. I started wondering if he knew me too. And then, yep I regret this, even fantasizing the outrageous possibility of me being a 'close' friend of his. I suddenly found myself wanting him to know me too. Wanting him to like me. Wanting him to be a friend for real. I was getting tired of keeping it to myself. I was getting exhausted stealing glances of him. And I was getting frustrated not having anything back...

So i started hating myself. And this is where it went all messy. I started looking down at myself. I felt so cheap liking somebody who i didn't even know. I felt like a complete commoner, no different from those girls I avoided in high school. I was becoming a hopeless romantic, and eventually a hopeless case... I started asking myself why he couldn't notice me... Maybe there was SOMETHING wrong with me... maybe I wasn't pleasing enough. Maybe i was just... well.. a nobody. And god, I hate feeling like that. I felt like a complete shit. I realized of course that I was soo wrong in having a crush. I was convinced that I was better off having none. My emotional level was a total roller coaster ride and well, I was really getting tired of it.

And just when I thought I was getting over him... now THIS... I'm trying as much as possible to avoid him but damn, the Lost Sheep keeps on telling me that it's bad to do so... They said that I wasn't really a nobody to him... he DID know who I was (kung si Mitch pa, "kabalo guid xa sang complete name mu!")... and (now this one sounds totally absurd), they've actually seen him looking at me too. Wala ko ga-asa but I just don't like them telling me all those stuffs... I get all giddy when I hear it and well... I guess i won't be able to get over him...

haay... I dunno... maybe, I just want to know if he likes me too...

BAAAAAHHHH.... eeeewwwwyyyy.... okiii.... ka-corny na guid sa akon, daw masuka na ko ah... puching sheesh... ENOUGH of this crap! hehehehe.... sige amu lang na! basta ah.... the point is... MAY CRUSH MAN KO GYAPON SA IYA!!!!! and i hate it...

grrrrrrrrrrrrr.... (pro sa tuod lang di ko ka pronounce 'r')

~bambam

IWAS

2004-12-13T19:11:00.000+08:00

what now...

i ain't got nothing to write in here... nothing interesting's happening in my life now... last week of classes na, won't attend the lantern parade plus... i'm not yet too sure if the bacolod trip WILL push through... i mean, i've been thinking a lot about it... and I know it'll be a blast but... a part of me is worrying bout me papa... you see, the guy has athritis and, well, i want to take care of him full time. Only, i can't obviously do that if the lost sheep is there... oh well... decisions decisions... grrr....

i'm having a problem with another guy right now... he's been bothering me way too much and the way he looks at me! aaarrrgggghhh... makes my blood boil to the max... let's call him "IWAS". I didn't give a damn about iwas before, to tell you the truth. i mean, he was one of those generic parts that composed the student body. I found nothing special from him. All i know is that he was Mitch's first friend and... well... that's it. We never really talked before. In fact, we only had... what... 3 conversations all in all? The problem is... he's making his move to me and well, I find that extremely DISTURBING.

I guess it all started when Mitch invited him to have lunch with us. It was so sudden actually. A minute ago he was just some guy and then after lunch? he was some guy who was pissing me off big time. He started texting me which was fine then but when he started telling me weird stuffs ('i think you're beautiful blah blah crap') and then texting me evry frickin' night... that's when i knew something was wrong...

now he wants to talk to me one on one to 'express his feelings'.... eeewwwyyyy.... i don't want to talk to him... that'll be so weird... i just want him to stop bothering me and return to that ordinary commoner guy i know... sheesh... i WANT to tell him that but i just don't know how... eevrybody thinks it's so easy to tell a guy 'no' but i find it really hard... i hate looking at their faces and... ugh... i just can't do it... helpp...

HELLPPP....

Bacolod and the Lost Sheep... tani!

2004-12-07T11:05:00.000+08:00

elo!

This week is going to be a busy one. For one thing, there's the CM sa Pinilakang Tabing (CMPT). It's a presentation of 5 plays done by the 5 year levels in the College Of Management. There's also an awarding after it. 'Kinda like the FAMAS award. haha. Our play is entitled "TINGTIN". It's a simple story of a typical ilonggo barrio and (surprise!) I'm frickin' part of it.

I'd be playing the role of MONA. She's the mother of the lead character, Paning. Mona is kinda like a loud freaky mother... and... basta daw ka weird sang role... what's weird-ER is that I got nominated for 'Best Actress' when I'm obviously just a supporting actress. Grrr... I hate it. But in a way, I'm flattered. At least I got nominated... The play will be held this wednesday at the audi... How am I feeling? ... ugh.... I think I wanna go poopoo right now...

Anyway, I've decided to take the lost sheep to bacolod. I'd like us to have some bonding moments before Christmas break... It'd be the perfect christmas gift! It's always better to celebrate with the people you love! It's going to be a 3 day 3 night Lost sheep mania! and man! am i excited!!! I can't wait for them to see Bacolod. I want to take them to places that are memorable to me... I want them to see our dogs and play 'tiruhanay' with water guns in the house. I want us to simply enjoy the christmas break! I'd take them to my favorite restaurants and just hang out together. I'm so excited!

I really really REALLY like the Lost Sheep and i think the Ze Clan would like them too... They're really good people and I want them to enjoy as much as possible! KJ's already sure and Mitch is no problem... the only unsure thing is Jenjen... she said her father won't let her... but as Kj said... we must not lose hope! We should go to bacolod together and COMPLETE!!!!

Anyway, I think I have to go now... potty calls... haha... BYEBYE!!!!!

Back From The Dead!

2004-12-05T11:58:00.000+08:00

OLA!!!! long time no write na guid ba.... been busy actually... but before that, may ipa-gwa lang ko anay....

GIN ADD YA KO SA FRIENDSTER NYA!!!!!! Yiheee!!!!! (mwahahahaha.) ok, better stop before i'll disgust myself again... hehe... pro daw ka nami lang sa feeling ah... haha.... i saw him dance AGAIN yesterday and i tell ya, this guy was made to dance and dancing was made for him. ayos gid ya... haha... anyway...

DAOG KO SA VOCAL SOLO!!!!!!! YIHHEEEE!!!!!! (i won! i won! i won!) haha, i was so happy to hear the applause of my friends and all the other people who supported me. grabe, ka-overwhelming! first time ko guid ya, and it felt like... HHHAAYYYY.... basta kanami guid ah. i was determined to do my best. appreciate ko guid ang gin himu nila ni manang tintin, manong rainier, manang rayanne, nang janille (?), lost sheep, and basta... damu sila!

Manang tintin gave me confidence i never had by believing in me and watching me all the way. Manong rainier showed he cared by practicing me at the time when all i wanted was to back out. And manang rayanne, hail to the diyosa herself!, she taught me how to sing and feel the song. I'm so thankful for her... idol ko na cya! =) and manang janille (?) for the 'pei pa kwa' (honey drink with herb) and all the pep talk. eventhough, i accidentally poured the nasty sticky thingy in her bag (which she reacted with a high-pitched 'AAHH!!!"), she was still generous enough to give me another serving. Then, the LOST SHEEP was there... they made me banners and helped me with my necklace and stuffs, plus they cheered the loudest! I'm so grateful i've found friends like them! =) and the block A who was there shouting my name, and the dormers (even the koreans went!) who crashed the whole joint... basta... i was so happy. Most of all, hinahanap-hanap kita was there... haha. He chose me and believed in me... it may not be a big thing to him, and he may have done it all the time, but it's a HUGE thing for me... He doesn't know it, but I'm thankful he believed in me. That single thing made me happy for quite a few days....

Also, I thank the ZE CLAN... hey, they were after all the first ones who genuinely knew I could things I'm never confident to do. I thought of them whenever I felt scared... and I knew, if they were with me, they could have told me I was gonna win this thing even from the start. I thank them, and I'm thankful for our friendship. We don't see each other anymore but their effect on me has stayed. I'm a Ze Clan forever. =)

Ok, tsakto na na nga padako sang ulo ah... Let's talk about something else...

Let me talk about my friend.... MITCH....

Michelle Ignes, or MITCH for short, is a member of our deranged group we call 'The Lost Sheep'. The Lost Sheep is my new group of friends (pasensya kung daw ka simple sang english ko... di na ko sanay mag iningles subong ) in college and how or when we started calling ourselves with the strange name wasn't really clear. Basta, all of a sudden, we became the lost sheep.

Ok, back to Mitch. She's from South Cotabato and speaks a funny mix of ilonggo and cebuano. Mitch is the type of person who likes to talk, talk and talk some more. She has this incredible vocal range that would surpass even those of singing diva's. If you were with Mitch and you suddenly find your self lost and separated from her... don't fret... you don't even have to open your eyes. Just stop, listen and her voice would automatically guide you to where she is.

Mitch's voice is somewhat like a phenomena and a natural disaster in one. It could make you laugh, make you cry or make you extremely irritable if it wants too. It's almost like it has a life of its own. It's like, there's Mitch and there's Mitch's voice. But I didn't come here to blab about her voice, that could be done later. Right now, I just want to talk about Mitch... the person.

I think, Mitch is one of the most misunderstood persons in UP. Maybe that's why we click... we're both misunderstood. Everybody thinks she's this small 'sabaran' person who wants nothing but attention. I've heard a lot of complaints from other people already. They always ask me why I hang out with her and my answer is still the same, Mitch isn't who they think she is.

I look at Mitch and I see a wonderful friend. Yeah, we are very much opposite form each other. She's always hiper active while I could be very calm, she likes to say her feelings to a person out loud while I seriously think keeping your emotions inside is the only way to survive, and... there are more things! But I admire Mitch simply becuase she does things I could only hope or dream of doing. She has this incredible guts and she isn't afraid to try out new things. Plus, she's not scared to get hurt and have fun... Eventhough other people may not see it, mitch is really a sensitive person at heart. She's very malambing and she isn't ashamed to show her feelings for her. Whenever I'm in a very dark mood, only Mitch's hug and jokes could lift me up (although the latter could also worsen my moood sometimes). It's those little sweet things she does that I appreciate the most. She has done so much for me that I don't know how to make it up for her.

I thank her for accompanying me to dinner. I thank her for lining up and ordering our food (because i'm usually too tamad to do so). I thank her for being with me when I cross the street (because until now, i still am useless). I thank her for understanding my spoiled ways. I thank her for caring when I need it the most. I thank her for being there all the time. I thank her for being honest with me. I thank her for all the hugs she has given me. I thank her for all the time she has fetched me in the dorm. I thank her for accepting me as a friend. I thank her for being herself...

I've always envied Mitch for her outgoing ways and her ability to show her feelings freely. I've never been good at that and I'm usually contented keeping them to myself and thanking God quietly. But sometimes, I want other people to know that they mean so much to me too. The problem is, I just don't know how. So I end up showering them with material things. I'm literally spoiling Mitch but it isn't because I got money to show. NO WAY. It's just that, I don't know how else to show I really appreciate them. And that goes out to all The Lost Sheep too.

I just hope I don't appear like I'm buying their friendship. I want them to know that I care in some ways too... I'm still figuring out how though...

well, that's all the MITCH i could type for now.... The point is, I'm so thankful I have her!!! I hope we'd stay friends for a long time! =) Thanks guid Mitch! =) *hugz*

end of the line....

2004-11-25T13:26:00.000+08:00

well, this is it... I'd be singing my ass off 3 hours from now.... uuggghhh.... god, i hate thinking about that... my tummy's chruning like crazy now... ugh.

my voice is strained already form practicing yesterday. you don't know how tiring it was... and the high notes at the last part... sheeshh... kinanlan ko guid mag buelo para makuha ko... kakapoy guid uy... my ultimate goal now is not to make an ass out of myself. i must get those freaking belting notes or else i'd look like a complete moron later. arrg! damn, i know i can do this... but i'm afraid i'd be really tensed later on and eventually screw it up big time. haaay....

no no no... i must believe in myself... that's the only way out. i must have confidence. yaaarrrgghhh! yea, i can do this!

my friends said i'm doin OK already but... i dunno, OK is not enough. I must do more than that i guess. and i will! all i have to do is to really feel the song, talk to the audience, let THEM feel the song and take myself through the music. i must not forget what i'm singing for... this is after all a farewell song... i should be sincere and everything...

yes, i just need to warm up some more... and i'd do OKI... a lot of people has been helping me already. Nang tintin, Nong Rainier, Nang Anndie, the dormers, Nang Rayanne, hinahanap-hanap kita, .... my blockmates, the lost sheep... they all believe in me. it's now MY turn to hel myself.

Am I ready?.... i SHOULD be.... yeah... i am... come on, bring it on!!!!

ibulong sa hangin

2004-11-23T13:50:00.000+08:00

ey... i dunno what happened but i was sure i had so many things to tell you and then when i finally got hold of a computer... *POOF* wala na... it's like my mind is playing tricks on me... anyway, i've got one day left before the contest but i haven't practiced in UP even for once... grrr.... and i dunno if i'm really up to this... my confidence is kinda unstable. first it's an all time low and then suddenly, it goes up again and then drops, and THEN go up again... it's very frustrating.. But i know i have no choice. Whether i like it or not, i'm still going to perform in the darn contest.. AAARRRGGGHHH....

But i'm thankful for those who lifted my feelings up. They DID help, even if it's just temporary. I'd like to thank Manang Tintin the most. She told me how to be confident and comfortable with my own voice. And she let me realize that it really isn't the high notes that makes a singer GOOD.. it's how you sing it, it's how you FEEL the song. And of course, the lost sheep... they're such great friends...

anyway, i still don't have anything to wear. i have an idea what to wear but i couldn't somehow find it here.. i planned to have a halter type top and a pink skirt with my inspiration necklace of pink and white beads... too much pink for me? i dunno... i suddenly thought wearing pink could somehow help. yeah yeah, i do hate the color..but i dunno.. maybe because it's the favorite color of 'hinahanap-hanap kita' or maybe because i figured out, nobody would be wearing pink during the night which would make me pretty different from everybody else... i dunno....

speaking of hinahanap-hanap kita... i've always been wondering how'd he react if he knew i like him... haha... i bet he'd be shock..worse, he'd avoid me. But i'm not really that unfortunate looking you know, i just want him to feel good about himself. haha. as if. anyway, mitch has been telling me that maybe he likes me too considering that he WAS the one who picked ME to be the vocal solo contestant when all the while i thought he didnt even know i existed. plus, jenjen and KJ has been telling me that they've seen HIM looking at me sometimes when i thought he wouldn't even notice me...forever... NYAHAHA... i know these things may sound pretty immature and pathetic but it kinda feels good hearing em... makes you realize that it's not such a one-sided thing after all...

haaay... but i REALLY REALLY want him to be my friend. just a friend, you know. cuz i really think we'd be great friends. as i said, it's nothing really romantic... i just truly like his personality. nyehehehe... i feel uncomfy being this and all... i normally don't give a shit about any guys... but i dunno... basi nagdadalaga naman guid ko tuod... haha.

back to the song. I'm thinking of a way how to really feel my song. as what manang tintin had said, i shoul truly feel the emotions and make it sound as real as i can... but how? well, i've thought about it... then i realized that this song was something that i could really relate on to. it talks about having a hidden feeling for somebody and how the feeling can't be spoken in words or to anybody. funny, that's exactly how I'M feeling... and HE'S the one who gave me the song... it's as if he already knew how i've felt... haha... yeah yeah, i know it could be just a coincidence. but sometimes... it's nice to imagine...

so to really feel the song, i've decided to make it as my 'farewell song' to HIM. i've been trying hard to get rid of this crush for some time now since i'm disgusting myself far too much... and what better way than to offer a song to him, a farewell song, and put all my emotions to that song alone. so what if it's corny, i am after all a 17 yr old girl and being corny is quite inevitable at this age... hehe... so yeah, that's what i'm going to do...

i'm not thinking of winning anymore. all i'm concerned now is HIM hearing the song and realizing that it's him i'm talking about. i won't ever have the courage to let him know how i feel and i guess, this is as close as i can get to a personal confession... hehe... i just want him to appreciate my admiration towards him, i guess... nyahahaha... DRAMA no? sige lang, amu naman ni guro ang last ko na makapag drama drama chu chu ah... thursday will be the last day that i'm going to have a crush with him. PRAMIS! no more mushy bambam after that. haha...

oh, the song is called "IBULONG SA HANGIN". and it goes this way

halata ba sa king mga mata
na ako' y may nais padama
ngunit ako'y nangangamba
baka may masaktang iba

halata ba sa kilos ko't galaw
puso ko may nais isigaw
ngunit di mabigkas ng labi
nagaalangan kung tama o mali

ano bang dapat kong gawin
sa magulong isip at damdamin
di ko yata kayang sabihin
wala na kong magagawang kung di
ibulong sa hangin

halat ko sa iyong mga mata
na meron kang nais pabatid
sana'y hanggang dito na lamang
pagkat ayaw ko rin masaktan

sa hangin kita hahagkan at yayakapin
huwag kang magalala di ito malalaman ng iba
Ng iba...

...to my bestfriend...

2004-11-20T21:17:00.000+08:00

I've been thinking a lot if it's OK to post this bit. I know she'll get angry but then again, we are bestfriends after all. I'd like her to know how I truly feel about this whole thing. I don't regret doing so. I'd just like her to know that I'll always be her best friend. Always.

This was originally written in a beat up blue book that I call my diary.

~*~*~*~

November 19, 2004

My bestfriend has a boyfriend. The youngest and the most innocent of the Zeclan has a boyfriend. JOY B has a boyfriend... I'm shocked.

And it's Francis Dimaunahan... haayy... di guid maunahan tuod...

I dunno if I should be happy for her or not. I dunno how to react actually. I'm forcing myself to be happy but... I know I'm really not. I know I've got nothing to do with her life but how come I'm having this strange feeling that she had just made a grave mistake? And I'm sad... so sad actually. I suddenly feel so empty. It feels so wrong. I'm sure she decided what she thought was best for her. I dunno why I'm thinking it's not the best for ME...

It feels like I've lost her. It feels like the thing that mattered most in my life was selfishly grabbed away from me. I was caught offguard. I wasn't able to securely keep her and it took me by surprise. It was so sudden that I didn't even know what to do. In fact I'm still recovering from that blow. I can't believe this has happened. I always dismissed it as impossible and unlikely. But now that it HAS happened...

Now, I'm angry. And I'm hurt. My heart is suddenly filled with hatred. I hate Francis for taking Joy away from me. I hate him for being a boy and having all the capabilities to hurt my best bud. I hate Joy for being so gullible and trusting to a man. I hate her for not paying attention to my advice. I never said anything against Francis to her face. I would just simply tell her time and again, "NOT YET". I even made her promise. And so I hate her for not listening to me.

It feels like the JOY B now isn't the same as my best friend then. It's nothing like her. I had a bestfriend and she was the kind of person who knew what was best for her at the moment. She had priorities. She could control herself, she knew how to focus on what really counts. She was selfless. She was as pure as a white rose. She was different from anybody else.

The Joy B that I know now is nohing like that at all. It's like she underwent a total transformation. From that unique girl that I've come to treasure, it looked like she completely changed into one of those cheap common teenagers. It feels like she went INTA. I couldn't even recognize her anymore. That's not the Joy B I know. My Joy B is lost.. gone, I guess.

But above all, I'm angry at myself. I hate myself for not noticing this earlier, for not taking this matter seriously. I hate myself for supporting her twisted emotions before. I knew she was confused eventhough she refuse to acknowledge it, but instead of telling her pointeblank what I truly thought... I just let it pass valuing more her mixed thinking that my own. I chose to be TOO understanding. And now, I can't even understand what's going on.

Damn it.

I know this is none of my business but I'm really hurt you know. I'm really lonely. We had something special together. I was her half. We felt for eachother all the time and we did everything together. I knew every single part of her and her to me too. But after she has changed, it felt like the part of me in her was slowly being ereased... dropped off on her way to being the person that she is now.

A complete stranger. I don't know her. I don't feel anything towards her... just coldness. What little part that's left of my old bestfriend is nothing important. They're just secondary insignificant characters that we took for granted before (eg. her sense of humor). All the essential parts that constituted who my best friend was... is gone. Still I fear that those minimal charcters will eventually fade away too.

I'm so sad. I don't have a half anymore. I feel so incomplete and nothing can replace that empty space. I feel so alone...

Damn it.

Ok, Ok, I know I should shake this absurd feelings off. What the hell is wrong with me?! She had just a freaking boyfriend, nothing more! She's still freakin JOY... and I freaking know that!!!

I shouldn't be selfish, never be selfish! She's just my bestfriend and the same bestfriend I had. I can't do anything now, It's not like she's mine. Yeah, she has changed... but so what?! I did too! I would just have to remember the memories I had with her... unlike us, those can't be changed. And those can't fade away either. I still share something special with her... only that, she has now another special connection with someone else. The best thing is, my relationship with her will always be unique. Not even her boyfriend can reach the level of understanding I had with her...

So that's it... I shouldn't over react for heaven's sake... It's not like I'm really gonna lose her or something. I know she'd always be there for me just like what she had promised. And I'm going to be with her, too. That's what best friends are for...

I know she'll always always be my bestfriend. Eventhough we don't talk to eachother that much anymore and though we don't even see eachother all the time, it's OK. She's my half and we'd always feel for eachother. May pinagsamahan na kami...

I guess I'm happy for her then... From now on, I'll be supporting her all the way. Bestfriends don't dictate each other, they just stand side by side backing up one another. She's maturing now and I shouldn't hinder her form that. I should be glad right? She's entering another phase of her life and that's perfectly normal...

No matter what happens, she'll always be my JOY B, my best friend. And she'll always have me.

~*~*~*~

HIYA DIYOY!!!! =)

vocal solo chu chu...

2004-11-20T10:53:00.000+08:00

I got picked to participate in the IFJPIA Vocal Solo contest. It's going to be on thursday, november 25 and i've just started LEARNING my song. Damn it... I'll have to cram for 5 days. And i'm not even sure if I really do want to join.

I don't even know why I got picked... Maybe it's because I'm just a freshman and the upperclass could usually just boss us around. Maybe it's because nobody else wanted to join and I kinda like became the sacrificial lamb or something. I dunno... All I know is that it was HIM that asked me to join. And i dunno, I know I should be flattered i was picked but I'm not... it even feels like an insult. It's as if they just grabbed me without even considering how I'd feel...

It may not be a big thing to others but this is a vocal solo contest and to a girl who couldn't really sing well, this is already a HUGE thing... I've never been confident about my voice... maybe because all my life I've been told I sucked. I've always been the "one who couldn't sing" in our family. And I've already accepted that I'm not really good at singing.

I remember my father asking me when I was in elementary why I couldn't sing like my sister. Why couldn't I carry a tune? And it could have been just a 'curious' question but it really hit me hard you know. Before that day, I was always singing my ass off everywhere. i didn't care what people think. I just sang simply because I like doing so. I never compared myself to anybody. And then THAT.

From then on I never opened my mouth to sing in front of my family. I became overly conscious. And as the years passed, as more criticsm came, I've learned that I'll just have to shut up whenever everybody else is singing. I had zero confidence. I still sang though but not in public anymore. If I did feel like singing, I'd look for that secluded part of our house, hide there, lock myself and THEN i could sing. But if not, I was contented with super soft humming to myself. i loved to sing then maybe until now but because of that... I was forced to hate it.

And now, I'm beginning to sing again. Thanks to MOL and my friends i began to open my mouth. I know my voice is nothing special and it's not even good... but it's MY voice and I think it's unique. However, I still wouldn't dare singing in front of my family. I'm too scared. Beside, I know what their reactions would be like anyway... I don't know if I really have an OK voice like other people say. No matter how often my friends would tell me that my voice isn't bad, I would never be able to believe them. What my family thinks about my voice was already painfully imprinted on my mind... since I was in elementary school.

I'd like to believe that I'm good. But until my family would take back what they have said, I know I'll just be kidding myself...

Anyway, I'd be singing "Ibulong sa Hangin" by Sarah Geronimo (yikes). It's also HIM who suggested the song. And I like it. It does have some scary high tones at the last part but I'll find a way how to sing it a la bambam. i don't intend to sing it exactly how Sarah did. That's her voice. I have my own. And i guess I'll just have to find it in that song

Mentalblock...

2004-11-15T18:54:00.000+08:00

I've got nothing interesting to post here... My mind has totally gone BLANK... i hate staying in an internet cafe that doubles as a freezer... god i can feel my fingers go numb right now... sheesh. i dunno know why i always feel that i'm totally wasting my time whenever i go to an internet cafe... it's like the alotted time aren't always right... it's either they're too short or too long... baaah... indi ma inchindihan nu? yeah... that's because my MIND isn't working right... i could go on forever blabbing about useless stuff that doesn't mean anything... but i'll stop wasting your time now...

i guess it's just one of those forgettable days... it's too insignificant to remember... i attended the batch meeting and successfully got the role i wanted... Roy, our batch gov, wanted me to play the lead role but i don't think i'm up for the challenge. Beside, i read the script and i don't think me and PANING connect at all... i mean, i can't see myself being her... she has too little personality.. too vague for a character. so i opted for MONA, the mother. this gal was better... she's hilarious and as i read the script... i could see myslef playing as her... i dunno if I would be able to play her well... but i guess i'll just have to try my best...

That's it i guess. God, this entry sucked. I hope i'll be able to think well next time... i can't keep on producing crap all the time.. sheesh.

CIAO!

2004-11-15T00:42:00.000+08:00

the eye that sees all.. pati, mata ko lang po

Aspects Of My Life

2004-11-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

The Inner Struggle

I wonder if it pays being a little bit different from anybody else...

I've always considered myself as different from everybody. I'd like to think that there's something in me that nobody ever has. Yes, I am that selfish. It's this constant self-assurance that boosts my self-confidence that pretty much gets me through the day... But of course i know i'm just like every person in this world. I'm just like them fighting to find my own unique personality when all the while we are all just generic parts of this world... almost the same.

But it's always nice to be different... even just in your thoughts...

~0~

The Family

I'm used to living in a big family. Almost all my life I've grown up sleeping with 4 others in a queen size bed... Maybe that's why it always feels so lonely whenever i get back home. It feels like a ghost house. I always think about my family and it's depressing. I guess, I just miss them. It's just me and papa in the house now... and well... I'm not liking it.

Sometimes, I don't even know why I chose to live here alone when I can always move out and be with my mom and brothers. But what's done is done right? I guess I'll just have to accept that I'm here, alone, and trying to grow up. I don't ever want them to know how much I miss them (kahuluya, I got a huge pride) but I really really REALLY do. I wish they were here.

~0~

The Ze Clan

Highschool was great because of these people. I am a part of them and they are a part of me. Joy, Mika, Elizte, Katrina... These are the bunch that probably knows me the best. We've been together for 5 years and although ang iban guro masuluka na kay amu man gyapon upod nila, but us? NO WAY. Being together, for us, is as natural as breathing air.

My highschool buddies. My bestfriends. They've witnessed a lot of moments in my life. They were always there. And will always be, I guess.

~0~

The Lost Sheep

College wasn't so hellish because of them. These are the other bunch that shares another part of me. I've only met them this school year but it seems like we've always been friends then. They're the most REAL people I know. Mga ka-block ko. Michelle Ignes, KJ Espinosa, and Jenjen Go. I've grown fond of them and they were there when I needed them. Through thick and thin. I'm lucky I got to know these people from different walks of life.

I bet I'm going to really enjoy this 1st year of my college. I hope our friendship will last.

~0~

Hinahanap-hanap Kita

And what's the fun in a girl's blog if there's no ka-love interest? No matter how 'ininto' this may seem, yes... I've got a crush. But I'd rather call it an 'idol'.

I don't know why most people find it disturbing to know I've never really HAD a serious crush during highschool. Not even a crush. This is my first time. hehe. And I tell you, it feels really weird. He doesn't know me, and I've no idea about him either. I just know he's an upperclass... He's not breathtakingly handsome but I dunno, I guess it's because he smiles a lot. Daw ka buot. It's nothing romantic really. It's more of a 'friendship' kind of thing. I bet we could be really great friends if he only knew me. We've got so much in common. hehe. but If only....

Plus, he likes iced tea too... haha...

Diri na lang anay... kakapoy na... hehe... until then!

Ciao!

~bambam

ang una ko nga post...

2004-11-14T21:58:00.000+08:00

kamusta!

ako si eba may desabelle. but you can call me 'bambam'. taga bacolod philippines na ga-study sa UNIVERSITY OF THE PHILIPPINES IN THE VISAYAS sa ILOILO kag ga dorm sa BALAY ILONGGO. i'm your average teenager who just wants to have something to do during weekends. that's the main reason why i got this blog. i HAD one before pro basura na to...

anyway, i don't expect anyone ever visiting this site (pro OK man tani kung ara...hehe). isa lang ni ka ininto nakon. i've been keeping diaries all my life... it's time to go HI-TECH baby! yeah! so, what will you get from this site? well... ME. all of me. hehe. this site will contain all my thoughts or whatever things i wanna write.

some of you may have known me already or basi may iban man da na gusto mangilala sa akon, well this is the best way to see the real me. I believe i'm one of the most misunderstood persons sa school. i am convinced that almost everyone thinks i'm sosyal or inta. but really... i'm not! i'm far from it... basi tungod lang sang pamayo ko... hehe. so yeah, isa pa gid na ka reason why i-put up ko ni nga site... i want you guys to know who i really am...

i may be your type or i could be the exact opposite of you. you may like me after you read my entries or you may not. you could even get inspired by it or just dismiss it as garbage. who knows? lipay na ko biskan mabasa nyo lang... (hehe, ga-advertise na ko)

well, i guess that's enough for an introduction. i hope indi ni maging 'ghost town' akon blog. but if ever la gid interesado, ayos lang ah! at least HI-TECH man ko gyapon ah! YIS! indi na ko maubusan G-TECH. yehey. (ok, corny) So i guess, this is it! until my next entry then!

ciao!

~bambam