Quarter Life Crisis?

I remember a time back in college when I was so discontented of the way my life would turn out to be if I wouldn't be brave enough to follow what I wanted in life. I wrote about it so furiously in my journal, cursing how I wanted to be something else, something more than just an accountant stuck in her measly pathetic cubicle punching buttons on her measly black calculator and facing strings after strings of digital numbers on her boring black ThinkPad.

Fast forward to date and funnily (or not so funnily), I'm finding myself in the same miserable position I feared myself to be in.

I had become an accountant. A legit one, with a title and all.

I work in a cold small room an average of 15 hours a day, facing numbers after numbers of some strange problematic client.

And I have a calculator and a T410 ThinkPad. Both colored black.

It's so depressing that it's actually funny.

I have always looked at myself as some body who belongs out there. Somebody who would matter in the world. I believed that even if I was just a faceless being in this big big world, that in my own way, I could change lives... and not just change it like a dentist would change your teeth (not that I think dentists are useless, dentists are cool. cooler than what I do at least) , I mean REALLY change it in a huge significant way. Change somebody's way of thinking or way of life perhaps. Something that important, you know.

I wonder why I let myself be who I am now... why?

I am 23 years old. Is it too soon to have a mid-life crisis already?

But then again, maybe it's just me right? I guess everybody thinks they could be somebody who could matter in the world at some point in their life. And maybe all I really need to do, like anybody else (who have a normal 8 to 5 job) in the world, is to just find some ways to make my life more meaningful. While still being this.... right??

Ugh, just thinking about it make me want to puke. UGH.

I'm sorry if I keep on whining. I know, I should just shut my trap and actually DO something about it. The problem is... I'm a real hypocrite and a chickenshit all in one.

I know I do not want to spend my best years in life slaving away in some job I have absolutely no passion for. But even if I do have the guts to quit, I don't really know what I would do next... I have a lot of things I like more than accounting. But I'm not completely sure if I'd be really good at them to the point that I can actually live off comfortably from doing whatever that is.

For example, I like singing and composing songs. But who am I kidding right? My song compositions are only good for my hearing pleasures and the occasional forced amateur song composition contests. I know I'm not THAT good as to be a serious pro. Even I think it's a preposterous idea. Being a singer song writer.

I like teaching too. Teaching history to be exact. Teaching history to little kids to be dead-on exact. But it would mean studying again and I don't think I have the resources to go through that. If I have an extra million or two, that would probably a swell idea, but no, I don't have one so... that's not happening I guess.

Lastly, I love to write. It would be a dream come true to just wake up everyday and know that all I needed to do was write whatever it is on my mind. Make volumes after volumes of stories that had been lingering in my head for quite some time now. But you guys and I know I'm not that good. I don't have a vast vocabulary and my command in the English language or even my own spoken tongue is as articulate as the guy next beside me in a bus. Maybe I could be better. But that's the problem. MAYBE I could... maybe not.

And while I would love to rant more about this particular discontentment in my life, I know that if I was a reader of this blog, I would be screaming a crisp "shut-the-fuck-up-whining-bitch' by now so I should probably stop. Plus, work is waiting early tomorrow and I wouldn't want to be late. again.

I just wish I knew what I'm really good at. Maybe then I wouldn't be so whiny and would actually be blissfully happy. Who knows, maybe then I could change a life or two.